Monday, December 29, 2008
There is fighting in my peaceful city;
Bloodshed in my land of harmony.
What is the fighting over?
Who is right?
Who owns the land?
None of you are right.
I alone own the land
What is the reason?
Blood is not needed,
The temple is gone,
Yet the blood still flows
When will enough be enough?
I have not required blood for generations
Yet you still offer it up.
Though it is no longer the blood of lambs
Rather the blood of your brothers.
You curse the name of Cain
Then turn around and kill Abel again.
Your victim’s blood cries out
I hear them and will avenge
Friday, December 26, 2008
All this is stuff that I wrestle with, and yet that is what I have chosen and has been chosen for me. I feel that if I should get through this I will be blessed in the same way that Jacob was blessed after wrestling with the angel. That is another thing; people get a little worried when I say that I argue with God. They are either worried or think I'm off my rocker. I mean, I yell at the creator of the universe. The same being who wiped out entire cities without so much as a backward glance, that is who I curse one day and then laugh with the next. This really is the mark of an insane person, but I'm ok with that. I mean, I'm in good company. Moses, after God told Him that He would be with the Israelites, demanded to see the Glory of God. (Exodus 33:18) The problem is that Moses was not able to fully see the glory of God, but God made it possible. God protected Moses from His own Glory by holding him in a cleft in a mountain side until God passed by then let Moses out so he could see the back of God. God's back. That is all the Glory Moses would handle and he still ended up getting divine sunburn. That is what I want... and divine sunburn. Moses demanded it... demanded! That is and insane things to do.
Another crazy from the Bible is David. The guy took on a giant in GOD'S NAME! Really? What was he thinking? He could have been squished!!!! LIKE A BUG!!!!!!!!! Not only did he face a giant, but he only had a sling. This same crazy person is the one who wrote, "On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night." (Psalm 63:6) He stood up to a giant and ended up being so close to God that he literally would lose sleep so that he could get to know God better. I really want that sort of relationship with God. I want to be so lost in love that I don't even know if it's day or night.
There are so many other people in the Bible that don't seem to be right in the head. You know, I say that they are crazy kinda in fun, but they really seem crazy. I guess in the end I want to be sure enough of what I believe that I am willing to do something crazy. Basically I want to be someone who faiths on a regular basis. I want to be someone God can give little then be able to trust with much. (Luke 16:10)
Well, I hope you all had a merry Christmas. Can't wait to see people when I'm back at school or over break. <3
Sunday, December 21, 2008
- I miss Kate like crazy! We're talking online and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss talking about boys with her, I miss just chilling with her. I miss how she always knew when I was thinking something and she wouldn't hesitate to call me out on thoughts that don't need to be in my head. She knew me so well and it's hard not having her around. I mean, we talk online, but it's not the same.
- I am so not ready to be a mom. I had to play one for a show today and I'm not very good at it. Maybe if it were my own kids it would have been easier, but probably not. It kinda worries me though. What if I'm not a good mom? I know I have time to get there, but really. I don't want to be the reason my kids are messed up.
- Grant confuses the hell out of me. I mean, one second he's all like "no we can't go out" then he's like jumping a freaking chair to give me a hug during the peace. It's like mixed signal central with that boy.
- I need sleep, and yet I don't. I've been asleep by like 10 for the last two nights and I've been up by like 6 (i did go back to bed until 9 today) It's ridiculous. I'm so not a morning person, but I may be turning into one. its crazy.
- it is too damn cold. If my nose goes numb after three seconds outside then its too cold. just thought I would complain about it.
OK, off to bed to try and sleep off this bug I seem to have caught.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
- I'm really tired of getting walked on. I hate that I let people do it to me all the time too. I need to grow a fucking spine and speak up when I'm not OK with something. I know this, but some how I never can do it. ugh... whatever.
- I really want to go on a road trip. I mean, I was trying to figure out how I could do this cheaply and I may have come up with something. If I stay in hostels that should cut down on the cost of it all. This is all looking really promising.
- I love Dan Wilson right now. He just Facebooked me to see if I want to go to breakfast with him. He probably just made my day.
- I am so ready to be at a point in life where I can truly make a difference in someone's life. I'm tired of this waiting game I seem to be playing. Why can't I just get right into whatever it is I'm meant to do? Why must I wait?
- I'm really fearful right now. I mean, I've been having a lot of really good days recently. That can only last so long before it all tanks again. :/ I don't want to have to deal with it, but I'm scared it's right around the corner waiting for me. Not fun.
OK, back to studying.
*update* Breakfast with Dan was just what I needed. He is amazing!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
- I have been having violent dreams... they suck. I'm tired of waking up thinking I have blood on me, or have been shot. I just want them to go the hell away.
- I think I need a hug.
- I've been really restless again. I need to go do something. I feel like I'm going to do something big, but I don't know what.
- AHHHHHH!!!!! (ok, i'm a little better)
- I don't know what I believe about Jesus anymore. Part of me wants to believe that he is a peaceful hippy kinda guy who is all about love and stuff like that. The other part of me thinks that's a load of shit and that he was actually a violent apocalyptic leader who didn't come to bring peace, but the sword. How do I reconcile these two themes that are in the Gospels? They seem so opposite of eachother. Am I missing something that others get? I don't know, and now my head hurts... this may have been a bad life choice.
Monday, December 1, 2008
- I really can't focus to save my life!!! This is bad, 'cause I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow at 12:30.
- I GOT A B ON THE OLDSTONE-MOORE PAPER I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TO WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited...
- I GET TO SEE KATE THIS MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm also really excited about this one.
- I love ordering pizza at like 11. It makes writing papers more bearable.
- I am ready for break.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Another list... this seems to be how my brain is working these days.
- I love Christmas, and am really looking forward to this year. I don't really have a reason for it, I just am.
- I am not a fan of movies where things jump out of dark corners and shit like that, so I don't really know why I am watching I Am Legend and 3:30 in the morning.
- I really need to sleep more, but I feel too ashamed to do it. Other people can handle this little sleep but I can't. I come home and hope to catch up on sleep but all I hear is how all I do is sleep and I never spend time with the family and stuff. Don't they know I don't sleep at school? I mean, I tell them often. Why can't they just except it?
- I've been feeling kinda emo tonight, but I don't really have a reason... that is sucky.
- I wish it were easier for me to change. I mean, I'm so concerned about social justice, but I can't seem to do even the simplest things like helping feed those around me. **sigh**
I'm done. I don't know why the mood of this post changed... oh well. thus is life. <><
Friday, November 28, 2008
- I really am not tired, even though I haven't been to bed yet and am about to embark on an epic Black Friday shopping trip.
- I miss Grant and really want to talk to him. I'm scared I'll come off as clingy if I call him though.
- I haven't been this content with life in a really long time.
- My lamp is absolutly driving me crazy cause it has this constantly droning buzz that doesn't stop unless I turn it off, which I can't do since I need light.
- I never realized, until college that is, how much I need people. They help me to see who I am.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Anyways, I don't know. Life has been a little strange on my end. I mean, I talked to Grant, and things haven't really changed other than the fact that I have hope that he may like me as well. I mean, he said he isn't ready for a long distance relationship yet, but that he doesn't know what will happen in 6 months to a year. That is a really long time, but I've waited this long, so I guess it's not so bad.
All I've been able to think about recently is what it will be like when I'm married. It's so lame. I used to be someone who would pick on my friends who would do this and now I'm turning into them. I mean, I've even been dreaming about it. It's ridiculous. I don't have a boyfriend, so why is this on my mind? I don't know. Oh well. I guess it happens.
As far as God goes, He's been pretty amazing. I don't really have any specific reason to think that other than the fact that I'm noticing little things that I don't usually. I've been noticing stuff like the way the sun hits the chapel at 5 o'clock, and the warmth of my bed. It's just silly stuff, but it's all a reminder of how God loves me and how I'm not alone (which is something I've been struggling with). I mean, I have been having this desire to spend copious amounts of time with him. This desire has been keeping me awake at night. I lay in bed and just talk with him in my head. I have found myself identifying with the writer of Psalm 63. When he says, "On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night." I understand that. It's been my life for the last week and I'm starting to love it.
Ok, I think I'm going to go get dressed and then head to breakfast. This is going to be an interesting day... <><
Monday, November 17, 2008
I'm so stressed about my Gov't test tomorrow. I feel like a total failure as a student and I'm pretty close to that as a friend (don't argue, it's how I'm feeling). I just want things to not be so damn difficult. I'm sure if it wasn't I would find a way to make it difficult. Whatever... back to studying.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
As I was realizing that I began to remember the stuff pastors say before communion. you know what I'm talking about, all the "when ever you drink of this cup remember me." After that I started thinking about the way that every time I drink tea in this mug I'm going to remember my grandma, and how the disciples must have had the same thing happen to them with what we now call Communion. Every time they would get together and have the bread and wine they would remember their friend who died for them.
It may sound strange but the next time I have black olives I will think of Grandma Russell. No matter the occasion, there were always black olives in the relish tray. I don't know if there was a reason beyond her knowing my sister and I love them, but without fail they were always there. Once again, the disciples would have the same reaction to the bread. It would trigger memories of meal gone by with the leader of their pack.
I never really understood the reason for Communion. I mean, I understood it intellectually; I knew we did it because we were told to do so. I didn't understand why it mattered though. I never knew the emotional value of this simple meal. Now I understand, even as trivial as this analogy may seem, it really has opened my eyes to the beauty of this act of worship. People come together over food. Jesus understood that and used it to our benefit. We remember who we belong too and who's family we are in. It's almost as if He was implementing a family dinner where we share more than food with one another. We share life and we celebrate life together with this simple act of taking Communion. This fact is truly beautiful to me and I am so grateful to understand it on a new level. I hope someday you also can understand this as I do today.
Love you bunches!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So, I just watched Tetelestai (the show I was in that basically brought me back to being a Christian) for the first time in close to a year. I hadn't realized how far I have gotten from those days when I knew what I believed and nothing could shake me from that. I'm not sure anymore. I mean, I am sitting and watching this, and all I can do is critique the messages that are being presented. I mean, really? What’s wrong with me? Since when is this about the way the message is presented and the words used? I'm getting too caught up in what undertones are in stories. I remember when in the beginning how I was so sure about Jesus and who he was, now I'm not so sure. I am losing faith. I mean, I know all the stories, I know the proper way to do things and how to seem like a good Christian, and yet I seem to have fallen out of love with Jesus. It's scary to me that this can happen.
Reen and I have been talking about which Apostle we think we are most like. We have both taken a liking to Thomas. I have always likened myself to Thomas in his doubt. I've been thinking about it today and have come to a realization; I am Judas. I am disheartened by Jesus. He isn't enough of a revolutionary for me. I am fairly sure I would probably have done the same as Judas. I would have sold my teacher to better the mission of the revolution.
I so greatly want to change the world. I am impatient with the way God wants it to be done. It doesn't seem to be working. I'm so tired of being oppressed by pain and depression. I am so done with waiting on God to change things. I'm ready to take things into my own hands.
Somewhere along the lines I have missed Jesus' message. He is a revolutionary. He was a humanitarian. He was so focused on leveling the playing field. He was slow to anger and quick to love. The only people he ever got angry at were people like me, the religious people. Jesus was always looking out for the poor and oppressed. How is that not something that is a revolutionary idea? It is and yet I am impatient.
I have turned from him. I have sold the one person who truly shares my heart for those who need a friend. I have sold him to jokes and sarcasm. I have made him a laughing stock. I never intended for this to happen. I want to make it up to him, but I don’t feel I have that chance. It's like I’m entirely alone and it's my fault. Though I will not go out and hang myself it feels as if I already have in my soul. I already am no longer living. There is no life left in my soul and it feels like there is no going back.
I don't know what will happen. Maybe this will be the end of the Christian adventure in my life. Maybe it will turn out I am actually peter; I have denied him but then he will take me back. I really don't know, but I’m just going to have to wait and see.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
OK, so this is going to be a kinda sucky semester i feel like. I can't seem to get things under control. I mean, it's really hard to give a rat's ass about classes when you don't even want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in school. I want to be out in the world doing something that will benefit mankind. This whole wasting my life in class thing is really getting to me. I feel like This is just keeping me from growing in ways that will be the best for me. In all honesty all I want to do is pack some clothes in a duffel bag, hop in my car (with or without a friend) and go on a road trip. I almost feel like it would be more than your average road trip though. It would be more of a spiritual quest (for lack of a better term). I want out of my comfort zone of this easy middle class life. I want to see more of creation, and meet more people. I want to be connected with this world in a way far greater then through academia. I want to be pushed to my limits and to experience the darkest despair, but also the sweetest joy. I want to feel life in it's fullest.
I am no longer content. I need change, but I can't get it. Not yet at least. It's really hard to be responsive when your heart is elsewhere. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. So much for following your dreams. I can't even get out of my rut of a life, let alone move mountains. I'm going to bed now. 'Night
Saturday, September 6, 2008
I've been feeling really anti-social recently. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I want to be out being social, but I don't want to as well. Like, for real. I don't know what's wrong with me. I go through major mood swings where I'm like really happy one minute then the next I’m fighting off tears. I hate this! It's like I can't even control who I am. I hate that Kate's not here. Somehow she always knew how to fix this, and I don't think she even knew it.
I had a great day today, so why am I so depressed? Megs and I had a pretty good time in Columbus. I got to see my family, and I got my new glasses. Then we came back and I chilled in the room for a bit. After that the group and I went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was awesome! But somewhere along the way home a switch flipped in me and I went from having a great time, to feeling totally socially awkward. It's like I feel like I don't fit very well. Like, they are trying to fit an octagon into a circular hole. I fit, but there is someone out there who would fit better.
I'm really lonely. I'm tired of being alone. I want to find that guy who completes me I don't even care if it lasts, I just want to know that I'm dateable. I want to know that I am loveable, and that someone will take the time to see me. I'm scared I've become too proficient at being mediocre. I'm so done with that. I want things to change, but I have no idea how to change them. God dammit!!! I'm so tired of being alone. I love my friends, but realistically they can only do so much. Yet, I'm never going to get a guy if I have this stupid social anxiety that is showing up.
OK, I’m done bitching for now. I think I’m just going to go to bed and pray tomorrow is brighter. I thought this semester was going to be better. I was doing so well at the end of last year. This sucks. Ok, bed time. ‘Night!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
For starts, I suck at grace. It’s not that I have a hard time giving it, but rather I have a hard time receiving it. I know that God will forgive my friends if they go out and get smashed, if they cuss too much, or even if they were to go “too far” with a guy (or girl). This is what I’ve been taught since I was a wee one, and yet, somehow, I don’t think it applies to me. I feel like I should be able to resist temptation on my own. I should be able to not drink, because ‘I’m a Christian and am a good person’. I feel like I shouldn’t cuss, and feel horrible every time I do, which is probably way too often, because it’s ‘not Jesus like, and I’m expected to be like Him’. I don’t think I should struggle with guys (not that that’s really an issue right now) because ‘good Christian girls don’t do that’. I feel like I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and that God shouldn’t have to give me grace.
Donald Miller explains this idea amazingly in his book Blue Like Jazz when he says, “It isn’t that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it’s that I want to earn my own way so I won’t be charity.” I am all about giving charity, but the thought of me having to be on the receiving side, even if its spiritual charity, really rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like it. But I’m coming to see that it doesn’t matter if I like it, it’s inevitable that I will be in the position to receive it for the majority of my life. I will never be good enough, I will never be strong enough, and I will never be smart enough. I will always fall short of what I’m called to be. It’s only when I suck it up and allow grace to fill me and my life that I can even imagine living the way I’m called to live.
I tend to focus so much on being good that I forget that even with my faults I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” You know at the end of VeggieTales when Bob and Larry say “God made you special, and He loves you very much”, I know it’s incredibly cheesy, but really it’s true. God made me special; he created me for a purpose. And even though I basically suck at life, He still loves me. He love me enough to look through the shit that surrounds my life and see me for who I am, someone who loves Him, even though she get confused and distracted easily.
Another thing is that I’m incredibly stir-crazy right now. Whether it’s being at school or even who I hang out with I feel like something is missing. I don’t know what it is either. I mean, I really want to do something great. I want to make a difference, but I feel like I can’t while I’m here at school consumed with homework, clubs, and even being social in general. There is something that is not quite right. It’s only the second week of classes and I already feel like I’m in a rut that I need to get out of. It may be as simple as taking more me time or trying to hang out with a larger variety of friends, or maybe there is something bigger in store for me this year, I don’t really know. I guess I’ll just need to wait and see.
OK, so I’m still not tired, but the rest of the stuff in my head I can’t really put into words. It’s like all abstract thoughts that are just floating in there. They may just need to marinate a little more before coming out coherently. Well, I guess that’s all for now.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Another weird thing has been the totally and utter calm I've felt all day. I mean, I have like 3 days to get everything done. I have banking to take care of, and doctors appointments to make, and laundry to do, and packing to finish (and by that I mean start), etc. yet with all of this to do I'm like so not stressed that it's almost scary. lol, I almost don't know how to function without the sinking feeling in my stomach from the fear of forgetting to do something.
Ugh... so my damn car doesn't really want to work for some reason. I had to pop the hood like 5 times today to wiggle the wires to make it start. That is on top of the non-stop beeping that it keeps making. Buford (my car) thinks my parking brake is down (it's not) so he insists on telling me, over and over and over. If I don't keep my music up loud enough I tend to get the urge to drive him into a wall or off a bridge into the Scioto river or something like that.
OK, well I need to get to bed. I have to be up and out the door to take mom to work by like 7:30 so I can keep the van while dad take Buford to the shop. I'm pretty stoked, cause I'm going to the driving range with Tay and then to lunch with Doug. It's basically going to be a really good day, supposing i can drag my ass out of bed on time. I've had a couple of late nights recently. well, sweet dreams all. <3
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
PS... HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!!!