Monday, December 29, 2008

The Holy One Cries Out

My children, what has happened?
There is fighting in my peaceful city;
Bloodshed in my land of harmony.
What is the fighting over?
Who is right?
Who owns the land?
None of you are right.
I alone own the land
What is the reason?
Blood is not needed,
The temple is gone,
Yet the blood still flows
When will enough be enough?
I have not required blood for generations
Yet you still offer it up.
Though it is no longer the blood of lambs
Rather the blood of your brothers.
You curse the name of Cain
Then turn around and kill Abel again.
Your victim’s blood cries out
I hear them and will avenge

Friday, December 26, 2008


So, I'm a really cynical person. I know that about myself and have accepted it, but there are some things I wish I wasn't cynical about. One of those things is my faith. I am a very glass half empty and even angry Christian. It really sucks. I think part of my problem is that I know too much as far as history and theology goes. I probably shouldn't have been a religion major, but it's really the only thing academic that I'm any good at learning. I mean, does a person really need to know that the gospels weren't really written by guys named Matthew, Mark, Luke or John? Does someone really need to analyze the violent passages that no one really pays attention to? Does a person of faith need to know the name of the type of Atonement theology they actually believe? I mean, really? That stuff isn't necessary to my journey of faith. I get so focused on the little nitty-gritty details of when the things were written and how that effects the way Jesus' teachings should be taken.

All this is stuff that I wrestle with, and yet that is what I have chosen and has been chosen for me. I feel that if I should get through this I will be blessed in the same way that Jacob was blessed after wrestling with the angel. That is another thing; people get a little worried when I say that I argue with God. They are either worried or think I'm off my rocker. I mean, I yell at the creator of the universe. The same being who wiped out entire cities without so much as a backward glance, that is who I curse one day and then laugh with the next. This really is the mark of an insane person, but I'm ok with that. I mean, I'm in good company. Moses, after God told Him that He would be with the Israelites, demanded to see the Glory of God. (Exodus 33:18) The problem is that Moses was not able to fully see the glory of God, but God made it possible. God protected Moses from His own Glory by holding him in a cleft in a mountain side until God passed by then let Moses out so he could see the back of God. God's back. That is all the Glory Moses would handle and he still ended up getting divine sunburn. That is what I want... and divine sunburn. Moses demanded it... demanded! That is and insane things to do.

Another crazy from the Bible is David. The guy took on a giant in GOD'S NAME! Really? What was he thinking? He could have been squished!!!! LIKE A BUG!!!!!!!!! Not only did he face a giant, but he only had a sling. This same crazy person is the one who wrote, "On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night." (Psalm 63:6) He stood up to a giant and ended up being so close to God that he literally would lose sleep so that he could get to know God better. I really want that sort of relationship with God. I want to be so lost in love that I don't even know if it's day or night.

There are so many other people in the Bible that don't seem to be right in the head. You know, I say that they are crazy kinda in fun, but they really seem crazy. I guess in the end I want to be sure enough of what I believe that I am willing to do something crazy. Basically I want to be someone who faiths on a regular basis. I want to be someone God can give little then be able to trust with much. (Luke 16:10)

Well, I hope you all had a merry Christmas. Can't wait to see people when I'm back at school or over break. <3

Sunday, December 21, 2008

tonight's thoughts

  1. I miss Kate like crazy! We're talking online and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss talking about boys with her, I miss just chilling with her. I miss how she always knew when I was thinking something and she wouldn't hesitate to call me out on thoughts that don't need to be in my head. She knew me so well and it's hard not having her around. I mean, we talk online, but it's not the same.
  2. I am so not ready to be a mom. I had to play one for a show today and I'm not very good at it. Maybe if it were my own kids it would have been easier, but probably not. It kinda worries me though. What if I'm not a good mom? I know I have time to get there, but really. I don't want to be the reason my kids are messed up.
  3. Grant confuses the hell out of me. I mean, one second he's all like "no we can't go out" then he's like jumping a freaking chair to give me a hug during the peace. It's like mixed signal central with that boy.
  4. I need sleep, and yet I don't. I've been asleep by like 10 for the last two nights and I've been up by like 6 (i did go back to bed until 9 today) It's ridiculous. I'm so not a morning person, but I may be turning into one. its crazy.
  5. it is too damn cold. If my nose goes numb after three seconds outside then its too cold. just thought I would complain about it.

OK, off to bed to try and sleep off this bug I seem to have caught.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

God vs Money

I make myself a little sick inside. I was just thinking about how I need a job over break and how I would love to work at starbucks, then the idea of seeing if a homeless shelter was hiring someone/ just volunteering there all break also seemed appealing. Let's look at these two ideas... one caters to the people who can easily afford a $3-$5 cup of coffee that in reallity isn't really any good, the other serves those who need the most help. Really? How can one person desire both things? I mean, Jesus even tell of how a person't can't serve two masters; he will either hate one and love the other, or love the one and loath the other. In the end he says man cannot serve both God and money. Why do I think I can? One of these is serving God and the other is serving money. I think I know which is which and yet I'm not sure. Why is that? Why am I not sure of what I am serving? I know God can use me where ever I end up (even if I don't get a job... which I hope doesn't happen) but still, I would like to get it right the first time for once. this is just too much. I need sleep. taking a gov exam tomorrow that I am nowhere near ready for... lovely.


Sunday, December 14, 2008


Do you ever feel like we're right on the verge of a revolution? I know our generation doesn't seem to even have a cause, let alone something to revolutionize, but i can feel it. There is something big on the horizon. Maybe it's wishful thinking. Maybe I want for something big to happen so badly that I am imagining this. I don't know. You know, I don't think I'm imagining it. I really think something is up and for some reason I feel like it centers around the Church. I've never been one for being really outspoken about Jesus or whatever, but somehow I feel like He will be coming up more and more. I think there is a revival going down. Oh god... I just sounded like one of those damn TV Preachers. *gags* Even still I stand by what I said. Something is going down, and I want in on it. Who knows, maybe it's not too late for our generation to change the world.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Early-morning Musings

  1. I'm really tired of getting walked on. I hate that I let people do it to me all the time too. I need to grow a fucking spine and speak up when I'm not OK with something. I know this, but some how I never can do it. ugh... whatever.
  2. I really want to go on a road trip. I mean, I was trying to figure out how I could do this cheaply and I may have come up with something. If I stay in hostels that should cut down on the cost of it all. This is all looking really promising.
  3. I love Dan Wilson right now. He just Facebooked me to see if I want to go to breakfast with him. He probably just made my day.
  4. I am so ready to be at a point in life where I can truly make a difference in someone's life. I'm tired of this waiting game I seem to be playing. Why can't I just get right into whatever it is I'm meant to do? Why must I wait?
  5. I'm really fearful right now. I mean, I've been having a lot of really good days recently. That can only last so long before it all tanks again. :/ I don't want to have to deal with it, but I'm scared it's right around the corner waiting for me. Not fun.

OK, back to studying.

*update* Breakfast with Dan was just what I needed. He is amazing!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

today's thoughts

  1. I have been having violent dreams... they suck. I'm tired of waking up thinking I have blood on me, or have been shot. I just want them to go the hell away.
  2. I think I need a hug.
  3. I've been really restless again. I need to go do something. I feel like I'm going to do something big, but I don't know what.
  4. AHHHHHH!!!!! (ok, i'm a little better)
  5. I don't know what I believe about Jesus anymore. Part of me wants to believe that he is a peaceful hippy kinda guy who is all about love and stuff like that. The other part of me thinks that's a load of shit and that he was actually a violent apocalyptic leader who didn't come to bring peace, but the sword. How do I reconcile these two themes that are in the Gospels? They seem so opposite of eachother. Am I missing something that others get? I don't know, and now my head hurts... this may have been a bad life choice.


Monday, December 1, 2008

another list.....

I don't know... I guess I'm just a list person.

  1. I really can't focus to save my life!!! This is bad, 'cause I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow at 12:30.
  2. I GOT A B ON THE OLDSTONE-MOORE PAPER I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TO WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little excited...
  3. I GET TO SEE KATE THIS MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm also really excited about this one.
  4. I love ordering pizza at like 11. It makes writing papers more bearable.
  5. I am ready for break.