My Disciple (This is a long one... sorry)

10-16-2008

So, I just watched Tetelestai (the show I was in that basically brought me back to being a Christian) for the first time in close to a year. I hadn't realized how far I have gotten from those days when I knew what I believed and nothing could shake me from that. I'm not sure anymore. I mean, I am sitting and watching this, and all I can do is critique the messages that are being presented. I mean, really? What’s wrong with me? Since when is this about the way the message is presented and the words used? I'm getting too caught up in what undertones are in stories. I remember when in the beginning how I was so sure about Jesus and who he was, now I'm not so sure. I am losing faith. I mean, I know all the stories, I know the proper way to do things and how to seem like a good Christian, and yet I seem to have fallen out of love with Jesus. It's scary to me that this can happen.

Reen and I have been talking about which Apostle we think we are most like. We have both taken a liking to Thomas. I have always likened myself to Thomas in his doubt. I've been thinking about it today and have come to a realization; I am Judas. I am disheartened by Jesus. He isn't enough of a revolutionary for me. I am fairly sure I would probably have done the same as Judas. I would have sold my teacher to better the mission of the revolution.

I so greatly want to change the world. I am impatient with the way God wants it to be done. It doesn't seem to be working. I'm so tired of being oppressed by pain and depression. I am so done with waiting on God to change things. I'm ready to take things into my own hands.

Somewhere along the lines I have missed Jesus' message. He is a revolutionary. He was a humanitarian. He was so focused on leveling the playing field. He was slow to anger and quick to love. The only people he ever got angry at were people like me, the religious people. Jesus was always looking out for the poor and oppressed. How is that not something that is a revolutionary idea? It is and yet I am impatient.

I have turned from him. I have sold the one person who truly shares my heart for those who need a friend. I have sold him to jokes and sarcasm. I have made him a laughing stock. I never intended for this to happen. I want to make it up to him, but I don’t feel I have that chance. It's like I’m entirely alone and it's my fault. Though I will not go out and hang myself it feels as if I already have in my soul. I already am no longer living. There is no life left in my soul and it feels like there is no going back.

I don't know what will happen. Maybe this will be the end of the Christian adventure in my life. Maybe it will turn out I am actually peter; I have denied him but then he will take me back. I really don't know, but I’m just going to have to wait and see.

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Missouri

So, I think I'm going to drive out to Missouri later this month. I really miss Kate, and really can't stick around much more. maybe this will be good. I just hope my parents don't freak out....

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It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I haven't really had much to say. I've been busy as ever, and stressed like crazy. Not like that's a surprise, it's me.

OK, so this is going to be a kinda sucky semester i feel like. I can't seem to get things under control. I mean, it's really hard to give a rat's ass about classes when you don't even want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in school. I want to be out in the world doing something that will benefit mankind. This whole wasting my life in class thing is really getting to me. I feel like This is just keeping me from growing in ways that will be the best for me. In all honesty all I want to do is pack some clothes in a duffel bag, hop in my car (with or without a friend) and go on a road trip. I almost feel like it would be more than your average road trip though. It would be more of a spiritual quest (for lack of a better term). I want out of my comfort zone of this easy middle class life. I want to see more of creation, and meet more people. I want to be connected with this world in a way far greater then through academia. I want to be pushed to my limits and to experience the darkest despair, but also the sweetest joy. I want to feel life in it's fullest.

I am no longer content. I need change, but I can't get it. Not yet at least. It's really hard to be responsive when your heart is elsewhere. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to suck it up. So much for following your dreams. I can't even get out of my rut of a life, let alone move mountains. I'm going to bed now. 'Night

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