Well, I can’t sleep… surprise, surprise. It’s like 1 am and I’m here sitting at my computer, knowing full well that waking up tomorrow at 8 is nearly going to kill me, and yet, here I sit. I’ve been trying to sleep for the last hour, but just can’t get my mind to shut down, or even just lower the volume. I keep thinking about a few themes that have been running through my life recently.
For starts, I suck at grace. It’s not that I have a hard time giving it, but rather I have a hard time receiving it. I know that God will forgive my friends if they go out and get smashed, if they cuss too much, or even if they were to go “too far” with a guy (or girl). This is what I’ve been taught since I was a wee one, and yet, somehow, I don’t think it applies to me. I feel like I should be able to resist temptation on my own. I should be able to not drink, because ‘I’m a Christian and am a good person’. I feel like I shouldn’t cuss, and feel horrible every time I do, which is probably way too often, because it’s ‘not Jesus like, and I’m expected to be like Him’. I don’t think I should struggle with guys (not that that’s really an issue right now) because ‘good Christian girls don’t do that’. I feel like I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and that God shouldn’t have to give me grace.
Donald Miller explains this idea amazingly in his book Blue Like Jazz when he says, “It isn’t that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it’s that I want to earn my own way so I won’t be charity.” I am all about giving charity, but the thought of me having to be on the receiving side, even if its spiritual charity, really rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like it. But I’m coming to see that it doesn’t matter if I like it, it’s inevitable that I will be in the position to receive it for the majority of my life. I will never be good enough, I will never be strong enough, and I will never be smart enough. I will always fall short of what I’m called to be. It’s only when I suck it up and allow grace to fill me and my life that I can even imagine living the way I’m called to live.
I tend to focus so much on being good that I forget that even with my faults I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” You know at the end of VeggieTales when Bob and Larry say “God made you special, and He loves you very much”, I know it’s incredibly cheesy, but really it’s true. God made me special; he created me for a purpose. And even though I basically suck at life, He still loves me. He love me enough to look through the shit that surrounds my life and see me for who I am, someone who loves Him, even though she get confused and distracted easily.
Another thing is that I’m incredibly stir-crazy right now. Whether it’s being at school or even who I hang out with I feel like something is missing. I don’t know what it is either. I mean, I really want to do something great. I want to make a difference, but I feel like I can’t while I’m here at school consumed with homework, clubs, and even being social in general. There is something that is not quite right. It’s only the second week of classes and I already feel like I’m in a rut that I need to get out of. It may be as simple as taking more me time or trying to hang out with a larger variety of friends, or maybe there is something bigger in store for me this year, I don’t really know. I guess I’ll just need to wait and see.
OK, so I’m still not tired, but the rest of the stuff in my head I can’t really put into words. It’s like all abstract thoughts that are just floating in there. They may just need to marinate a little more before coming out coherently. Well, I guess that’s all for now.