So, I just watched Tetelestai (the show I was in that basically brought me back to being a Christian) for the first time in close to a year. I hadn't realized how far I have gotten from those days when I knew what I believed and nothing could shake me from that. I'm not sure anymore. I mean, I am sitting and watching this, and all I can do is critique the messages that are being presented. I mean, really? What’s wrong with me? Since when is this about the way the message is presented and the words used? I'm getting too caught up in what undertones are in stories. I remember when in the beginning how I was so sure about Jesus and who he was, now I'm not so sure. I am losing faith. I mean, I know all the stories, I know the proper way to do things and how to seem like a good Christian, and yet I seem to have fallen out of love with Jesus. It's scary to me that this can happen.
Reen and I have been talking about which Apostle we think we are most like. We have both taken a liking to Thomas. I have always likened myself to Thomas in his doubt. I've been thinking about it today and have come to a realization; I am Judas. I am disheartened by Jesus. He isn't enough of a revolutionary for me. I am fairly sure I would probably have done the same as Judas. I would have sold my teacher to better the mission of the revolution.
I so greatly want to change the world. I am impatient with the way God wants it to be done. It doesn't seem to be working. I'm so tired of being oppressed by pain and depression. I am so done with waiting on God to change things. I'm ready to take things into my own hands.
Somewhere along the lines I have missed Jesus' message. He is a revolutionary. He was a humanitarian. He was so focused on leveling the playing field. He was slow to anger and quick to love. The only people he ever got angry at were people like me, the religious people. Jesus was always looking out for the poor and oppressed. How is that not something that is a revolutionary idea? It is and yet I am impatient.
I have turned from him. I have sold the one person who truly shares my heart for those who need a friend. I have sold him to jokes and sarcasm. I have made him a laughing stock. I never intended for this to happen. I want to make it up to him, but I don’t feel I have that chance. It's like I’m entirely alone and it's my fault. Though I will not go out and hang myself it feels as if I already have in my soul. I already am no longer living. There is no life left in my soul and it feels like there is no going back.
I don't know what will happen. Maybe this will be the end of the Christian adventure in my life. Maybe it will turn out I am actually peter; I have denied him but then he will take me back. I really don't know, but I’m just going to have to wait and see.