So, I'm a really cynical person. I know that about myself and have accepted it, but there are some things I wish I wasn't cynical about. One of those things is my faith. I am a very glass half empty and even angry Christian. It really sucks. I think part of my problem is that I know too much as far as history and theology goes. I probably shouldn't have been a religion major, but it's really the only thing academic that I'm any good at learning. I mean, does a person really need to know that the gospels weren't really written by guys named Matthew, Mark, Luke or John? Does someone really need to analyze the violent passages that no one really pays attention to? Does a person of faith need to know the name of the type of Atonement theology they actually believe? I mean, really? That stuff isn't necessary to my journey of faith. I get so focused on the little nitty-gritty details of when the things were written and how that effects the way Jesus' teachings should be taken.
All this is stuff that I wrestle with, and yet that is what I have chosen and has been chosen for me. I feel that if I should get through this I will be blessed in the same way that Jacob was blessed after wrestling with the angel. That is another thing; people get a little worried when I say that I argue with God. They are either worried or think I'm off my rocker. I mean, I yell at the creator of the universe. The same being who wiped out entire cities without so much as a backward glance, that is who I curse one day and then laugh with the next. This really is the mark of an insane person, but I'm ok with that. I mean, I'm in good company. Moses, after God told Him that He would be with the Israelites, demanded to see the Glory of God. (Exodus 33:18) The problem is that Moses was not able to fully see the glory of God, but God made it possible. God protected Moses from His own Glory by holding him in a cleft in a mountain side until God passed by then let Moses out so he could see the back of God. God's back. That is all the Glory Moses would handle and he still ended up getting divine sunburn. That is what I want... and divine sunburn. Moses demanded it... demanded! That is and insane things to do.
Another crazy from the Bible is David. The guy took on a giant in GOD'S NAME! Really? What was he thinking? He could have been squished!!!! LIKE A BUG!!!!!!!!! Not only did he face a giant, but he only had a sling. This same crazy person is the one who wrote, "On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night." (Psalm 63:6) He stood up to a giant and ended up being so close to God that he literally would lose sleep so that he could get to know God better. I really want that sort of relationship with God. I want to be so lost in love that I don't even know if it's day or night.
There are so many other people in the Bible that don't seem to be right in the head. You know, I say that they are crazy kinda in fun, but they really seem crazy. I guess in the end I want to be sure enough of what I believe that I am willing to do something crazy. Basically I want to be someone who faiths on a regular basis. I want to be someone God can give little then be able to trust with much. (Luke 16:10)
Well, I hope you all had a merry Christmas. Can't wait to see people when I'm back at school or over break. <3