Sunday, August 31, 2008

I need out!!!

I feel so complacent right now. I'm too comfortable. I need to do something to push myself. These are the thoughts that have been in my head fairly consistently over the past week or so. Every so often I’ll go through this phase. I will feel the need to do something to push me out of my comfort zone, or to make a difference in the world. I guess you could say I’m looking for a way to be fulfilled. I get a little stir crazy when things are the same for too long. I need to get out of this rut I’m in, but I don't really have any way to do it. I know God has a plan for me, but I'm not good at waiting. I wonder if maybe this is part of the plan. Maybe the stir-craziness is Him leading me to the next level. I'm not sure what that is but it exists, I know it. I don't know how to get there though. I heard stories of people my age who do all these amazing things, like living in the streets of Chicago with nothing but the clothes on their backs and their video camera to document it, or quitting school to do music full time, or even something as simple as a road trip. I hear these stories, and see how much of an impact those experiences have on my friends. I want that. I want to grow and learn and see new things. I'm tired of the normality of my life. I'm tired of sitting in my dorm room doing homework, or sitting in class taking notes. I can be doing something great, but not while I’m here. I could be out on the road, making a difference, or volunteering my time in the poverty stricken areas of the states. I could be helping with kids who have shitty lives and have never truly been loved. I could be out in the world doing what I’m called to do, and yet here I sit comfortably at my desk. I need to get out. I need to grow, and change. I need to get hurt, and to feel despair. I need to know what it's like to be in a totally and utterly hopeless situation and still see the silver lining. I need change. I just don't know how.

Friday, August 15, 2008


So, today has been a kinda weird day. For starters, my dad and I have almost been getting along. If you know how we interact you would know that he and I tend to avoid each other, otherwise we end up fighting. Well, we had a few arguments today, but we both managed to keep a clear head and watch our tongue. Another thing is that Dad has been in a really good mood. I mean, he's smiling and cracking jokes; overall he's been acting like he did before he got sick. I like don't know how to react. Part of me is relieved and hopes that maybe this version of my dad is here to stay. The other part of me is scared that when I wake up tomorrow the post-stroke dad will be back. I've basically just decided to focus on the optimistic point of view.

Another weird thing has been the totally and utter calm I've felt all day. I mean, I have like 3 days to get everything done. I have banking to take care of, and doctors appointments to make, and laundry to do, and packing to finish (and by that I mean start), etc. yet with all of this to do I'm like so not stressed that it's almost scary. lol, I almost don't know how to function without the sinking feeling in my stomach from the fear of forgetting to do something.

Ugh... so my damn car doesn't really want to work for some reason. I had to pop the hood like 5 times today to wiggle the wires to make it start. That is on top of the non-stop beeping that it keeps making. Buford (my car) thinks my parking brake is down (it's not) so he insists on telling me, over and over and over. If I don't keep my music up loud enough I tend to get the urge to drive him into a wall or off a bridge into the Scioto river or something like that.

OK, well I need to get to bed. I have to be up and out the door to take mom to work by like 7:30 so I can keep the van while dad take Buford to the shop. I'm pretty stoked, cause I'm going to the driving range with Tay and then to lunch with Doug. It's basically going to be a really good day, supposing i can drag my ass out of bed on time. I've had a couple of late nights recently. well, sweet dreams all. <3


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Bob Evans+A Good Friend+Theology=A Good Time

So after church today my friend, Alina (who was also my guitar teacher) asked me if i wanted to go out to Bob Evans to get brunch and catch up. I have to admit I was a little hesitant at first; I mean we haven't actually talked much since I came back from Witt and was worried we weren't as close as last year. Last summer we had discovered that we really had the same thoughts about a lot of things and we meshed really well as friends. I was scared we had lost that since we hadn't seen each other in so long. Well, at first it was kinda awkward, but eventually we got into the swing of being around each other. It was honestly as if we hadn't been apart at all. We ended up spending like 2 hours at the Bob Evans. We talked about everything from drinking to how we see God. It was awesome. It's nice to know there are a couple of people who I will probably always click with really well. Plus, sometimes its just nice to go out with a friend, especially when it's someone who you don't have to work to get along with. I love that feeling. But now I need sleep. I only got like 1.5 hours last night so I'm pretty bushed. <3><

Thursday, August 7, 2008

chemical change

So, I hung out with Sharon today. It's the first time in probably a year and a half that I've spent time with her, and it's the first time in a much longer time that I spent time without being pissed at her. Even though I'm not mad at her it just didn't feel right. We're never going to be as close as we were in High School. Do you remember in middle school when we learned the difference between a chemical change and a physical change? Well, the anger and bitterness in our relationship has acted as a chemical change. Something has changed that will never be able to go back to how it was before. I mean, some fights are equivilent to a physical change, such as the one within my group of college friends. We were all pissed at eachother, but we were able to get past it and be just as comfortable with eachother. It's not like that with Sharon. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had a good time at the park and mall. I just didn't feel as close to her. I felt I had to be someone other than who I actually am. I'm not sad about this. In fact, I feel pretty good about it. I knew we were growing a part, but I think Sharon thought it was my fault entirely. Today showed us that we are still friends, but neither of us are the same people we were when we were roommates on tour. We will never be T1 and T2 anymore, and honestly, I'm ok with that. I like who I am, and have my new, real friends to thank for it. I'm ready to let the past go and move on with my life. It's about time I do.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

what's missing?

I have had this nagging feeling recently that something is missing. The problem is, I really can't figure out what it is. Maybe I just need to be back where I belong, which isn't in Hilliard. I don't fit here anymore. I've grow up a lot over the last year; I've changed a lot more than I had anticipated last year. The people I'm closest with are the people from Witt, not the people I've grown up with or have gone to church with, cause I'm not the only one who changed. It's weird coming back and not really knowing who my friends have become. It's not that I thought that my friend's lives would stop while I was gone, but I didn't think they would change this much. I guess I'm missing having somewhere I belong, but I'm not the only one. It's ok. I only hve a week and a half before I'm back at school. Thank God! <3><

Monday, August 4, 2008


So, I honestly forgot I had one of these... talk about epic failure. lol. Well, now that I remember it, maybe I'll do better about updating it every so often. Who knows. I suppose you can check back to see it I keep up with it.