Saturday, September 6, 2008


Ugh! I need a life. I'm sitting in my room, and it's like just after 11, but I'm really considering going to bed. This will be the 3rd night in a row I’m in bed before midnight. Like seriously, what's wrong with me?

I've been feeling really anti-social recently. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I want to be out being social, but I don't want to as well. Like, for real. I don't know what's wrong with me. I go through major mood swings where I'm like really happy one minute then the next I’m fighting off tears. I hate this! It's like I can't even control who I am. I hate that Kate's not here. Somehow she always knew how to fix this, and I don't think she even knew it.

I had a great day today, so why am I so depressed? Megs and I had a pretty good time in Columbus. I got to see my family, and I got my new glasses. Then we came back and I chilled in the room for a bit. After that the group and I went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was awesome! But somewhere along the way home a switch flipped in me and I went from having a great time, to feeling totally socially awkward. It's like I feel like I don't fit very well. Like, they are trying to fit an octagon into a circular hole. I fit, but there is someone out there who would fit better.

I'm really lonely. I'm tired of being alone. I want to find that guy who completes me I don't even care if it lasts, I just want to know that I'm dateable. I want to know that I am loveable, and that someone will take the time to see me. I'm scared I've become too proficient at being mediocre. I'm so done with that. I want things to change, but I have no idea how to change them. God dammit!!! I'm so tired of being alone. I love my friends, but realistically they can only do so much. Yet, I'm never going to get a guy if I have this stupid social anxiety that is showing up.

OK, I’m done bitching for now. I think I’m just going to go to bed and pray tomorrow is brighter. I thought this semester was going to be better. I was doing so well at the end of last year. This sucks. Ok, bed time. ‘Night!


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