Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Too Big for Me

Today was a day that everything felt too big for me to handle. The concert, my future, my homework, my relationships, my social contact. All of it. Was. Just. Too. Much. I was absolutely overwhelmed. It felt like I was trying to walk through molasses. Not good. It was like I wasn't (and if I'm entirely honest, still am not) comfortable in my own skin. I tried to talk to Kate tonight and it was like that awkward acquaintances kinda conversation. I hated it, so I peaced out quick. And when I went to dinner with Martha I couldn't get out of my own head to really listen to her. I hate it when I'm like that. It's an awful way to treat a friend.

This afternoon I had the closest thing to a panic attack that I've had in a while. The magnitude of what I am trying to do and the impossible-ness of me shaking off this procrastination that plagues my life hit me in the middle of Spanish. I held it in until I got home for like 3 minutes and literally had to talk myself into continuing on with this concert. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. Most days I would say that I really do like being me; today is not one of those days. I would rather be pretty much anyone but me.

God, I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm awkward and insecure and all sorts of things that I don't like. It's yucky and needs to end now!

I'm going to bed. I'm too tired from fighting this all day.

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