Sunday, June 19, 2011

Stretched too Thin

The last couple of week I have been less than OK with the perpetual singleness I have had to endure for the entirety of my life.  Most days my last thought before I fall asleep is how I just wish I wasn't alone.  Not to sound like a whiny child, but I just want to know when it is my turn to be with someone.  It is hard taking care of everyone.  I just need someone who will take care of me too.

This was amplified this past week by my dad's surgery on his heart.  For the last six months Dad has been suffering from atrial fibrillation; in other words one on the chambers in my Dad's heart was beating out of rhythm.  There is a procedure called an ablation where they go into his heart through a vein and they cauterize the nerves that are misfiring.  I am used to medical emergencies, since that is all my life is made of.  It all would have been easier to handle if the ablation had not fallen on the first day of YK.  I felt stretched way too thin.  I was trying to stay on top of stuff for the show, make sure my siblings were ok as well as find time to spend with my mom at the hospital while she waited for dad to come out of surgery.  In the end I was able to do it all, but at the expense of myself.  Through it all, only a couple people asked how I was doing, and none of them are related to me.  I felt so alone and rejected.

I haven't fully recovered from Monday.  I still really feel neglected.  And I don't feel like I can really talk to my family about it, because we are all trying to deal with the stress in our own ways.  The YK people are busy with the shows and ministry.  This loneliness bled into the rest of the week and when you add that to fact that I don't really feel needed at YK I have been having a lot more "low self-esteem days" as I call them.  My worth has been called into question in my own mind.  Once again, at risk of sounding like an emo child, I don't feel like I am needed and that makes getting out of bed incredibly difficult.  Whats worse is that sometimes I worry that I will never be loved how I need to be loved.  I worry I will always feel this alone.

Do you ever feel unwanted?  How do you get over it?

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