Monday, June 13, 2011

Overwhelmed With Life (Again)

Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with everything in my life that I start to feel like I am going to crawl out of my own skin.  Tonight is one of those nights.  My skin is crawling, my mind is racing, and I am fighting back tears because all at the same time everything is wrong and nothing is wrong.  I have no homework to worry about, and I am so so thankful for that.  That doesn't mean my stress is less, so is good [+] and some bad [-].

[+/- ] YK starts later today.  I have to get my siblings up and out the door by 7:00am, aka the butt-crack of dawn.  We have to be at church at 7:45, and lets be honest, we will never leave on time.  That is why I am giving us 45 minutes to get out the door, so we can be on time and maybe even get coffee before hand.  I am worried we won't be up on time.

[-] Dad is having surgery tomorrow.  He has been having a heart arrhythmia, in other words his heart is misfiring.  It is not beating all at one time, but kind of staggering the beat which is really really bad.  Because of that, he is having a procedure down that cauterized the misfiring nerves to make the heart go back to normal.  It is a relatively common procedure, but it is not easy.  It involves the surgeon cutting a hole in dad's heart to get to the nerves.  I am worried.  I don't want anything to happen to him. 

[-]  Poppie and Grandma Holt probably won't be around much more.  Poppie went into the hospital on Thursday for pneumonia and heart problems.  He came home Saturday and is doing well.  However, Grandma went into the hospital after having a stroke the same day Poppie came home.  Dad says that we will most likely lose Grandma within the next six months, and Poppie will go quickly after that.  They cannot function without one another.  It's like The Notebook.  He will not survive without her, and visa versa.

[-]  Dad says he won't be able to handle losing his parents.  That is understandable, but he pretty much said he will probably take it out on me, Sarah and Alex.  He would never be violent, that is not who my father is, but he did say I will probably need to grow thicker skin.  I can't.  I can't always take the brunt of everything, and that is what he wants me to do.  I can only handle so much before I start to shut down, or I explode back at him.  Neither of those ever end well. 

[+]  Work  is going so well.  I love to go and spend copious hours with the high school and middle school students.  I really think this is what I should be doing for the next couple of years at least.  We will see though. 

Tonight I am just feeling like I need someone who can take care of me.  I am feeling the weight of everything crushing me.  I have to take care of everyone, and no one is there for me.  I am the one who seems to be trying the hardest to keep the house relatively presentable.  I am the one who has been running a million errands.  I am the one looking after my siblings.  I have to be strong for everyone, and I don't feel like I have the opportunity to be the vulnerable one.  I just suck it up, but I can't handle that forever.  I need someone who will take care of me.  I don't want to complain this much, I am just incredibly overwhelmed and need a break.  Problem is, I am not going to get one for at least two weeks, if not more. 

I just need sleep.  And alone time.  And a strong drink.  Maybe not the last one, but the first two for sure.

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