There has been a big change in my life this week. I quit CWS. It's really weird to have that not be a part of my schedule anymore. I mean, since the first or second week of freshman year I have been either singing in or planning the service. But no more.
I had very little passion for the ministry anymore, and even worse, I was starting to resent it. I never wanted to go on Sunday and I would feel so guilty about that. I don't think I've been at all this semester.
Part of me wonders if I am just crossing off all of the ministries from the list of ones I used to do, or am I actually hearing God? Am I just being lazy? I don't think it would have been good for me to keep going since I didn't like the service.
It's kinda hard right now. I feel like so much of what made me me my freshman and sophmore years is no longer a part of who I am. I don't do CWS, I don't go to WCA, I don't go to Primetime (though I am trying it out again). And I ended up not leading YoungLife. All of those campus ministries that were once a part of my identity are no long there. So, I'm kinda floundering. I'm trying to figure out who I am now. What makes up who I am?
I've been told to ask God how he thinks of me, but I have a hard time understanding his answer. And I feel like the Bible just says generic things like "made in God's image" and "you are God's workmanship". That's all well and good, but I need more concrete answers... I need actual descriptions of who he sees me as. I need real answers, not the generic, this applies to anyone answers. I want to know who I am so I can be confident enough to live that way.
But somehow I feel like that won't ever really happen. I will always have to struggle with identity. The struggle with identity is all throughout the Bible, so at least I'm in good company.