Woman of God

Last week I had dinner with Mary.  It was wonderful catching up, cooking then watching Glee and Lost.  At one point during the night, the conversation took a turn toward what it means to be a woman of God.  During our conversation I realized that I have no idea what that means.  I have read Proverbs 31, and that seems to be an unattainable standard.  Other than that I read stories of Deborah who was a great leader, Easther who was the savior of her people, and Mary who literally gave birth to the son of God.  I don't really know how to be a woman after God's heart. 

This confusion is making me uncomfortable trying to lead women younger than myself.  How can I sit in front of one of my girls and be the roll model then need?  I know I will never have everything figured out, but I don't know that I should feel this unsure.  Then again, maybe it is a good thing being uncertain.  I don't know.

Any thoughts?

Death and Family

Death and family have been very prominent on my mind. My family went up for a funeral on Wednesday of last week and came home to sleep. I woke up Thursday morning (after getting Alex to school) to a phone call from my mom saying that Grandma Holt was dying and I needed to pack a bag and get ready to go to Mansfield. After picking Dad up from the Cleveland Clinic we stayed in Mansfield until Monday night. Luckily it was Labor Day weekend, so we had that extra day to spend with family.

The whole experience of watching my grandma die was totally surreal. Even now I am really not sure it happened. When we arrived at the nursing home she was at Mom and Dad wanted us to wait before going back to the hospice room. Mom came out and warned us (really, she was mainly warning Alex and I) that Grandma was not conscious and she had an oxygen mask on to keep her breathing. I didn't even make it to the back room before I started to cry.

When I walked into the room, two of my uncles and my grandpa (Poppie) were already there. One of my uncles gave me a hug as I cried and told me I needed to be strong, because grandma needed our strength. The other gave me a hug and told me we should be happy. I just nodded weakly and sat down at the table on the opposite side of the room from grandma.

That probably makes me sound horrible, but I can't stand hospitals or nursing homes. The amount of pain in those places is beyond overwhelming to me. It makes me totally freak out.

After a while, my cousins and aunt came up. There was drama, and crying and anger, but we don’t need to get into that. We all took turns staying over in the hospice room with Grandma. Even I stayed one night. Oh, another thing about my family; it is freaking huge. There would come a point pretty much every day where I would look around and all but three of my seven cousins (plus Sarah, Alex and me) where there. Not to mention my three uncles, four aunts (Mom’s sister came to support us over the weekend), and umpteen million other relatives were all crammed in the hospice room. Add to that the fact that the majority of my extended, extended family was raised in either rural Ohio or the Appalachian mountains in Kentucky, it was a bit of a culture shock. As an introvert, that nearly killed me. I never had a moment to myself, and everyone had an opinion that they felt needed to be heard.

One of the things that bothered me the most about the whole waiting for grandma to pass was the fact that everyone just kind of sat around watching. At one point I walked into the hospice room and some relatives were sitting in a semi-circle around grandma’s bed just watching her. It’s like everyone was just waiting for her to die, like it was a spectator sport. It made me feel sick. It made me so angry. I left the room and when mom came out to check on me I started to cry. Of course that was the exact moment that some of my cousins came. Jen told me she felt the same and that we should be spending our time remembering the way she was before she started to decline. We gathered all the cousins and began reminiscing about when we were kids and the way she took care of us. It made us feel a little better about saying goodbye.

The thing is, we are not created to deal with death. Death is a post-fall situation. We were created to live with God forever, not to decay and die. I think this is why it is so hard to cope with the death of a loved one. Deep down we still know it is wrong. It’s like way down beneath the filth and tarnish the original image of our eternal God is still alive within us. So far, the death of my grandma hadn’t set in, it all feels surreal.

Grey Areas

A friend of mine asked me the other day to explain what I meant when I said that 'you need to study religion to understand all of the grey areas.'  I don't have a perfect memory of saying this, since it was at a really long lunch when he and I talked about it, but I think I was mainly talking about how much overlap there is between the religions I have studied. All of them, Buddhism and Hinduism included. I think that religions are the way mankind tries to understand our infinite God. I think all religions have a glimpse of the God we love and want to glorify, and in that way it is hard to see them as 100% wrong. That is what I meant by grey areas. Growing up we were essentially told that Christianity is right and anything else is totally wrong and is (depending on who you listen to) evil. When you start to learn about those “wrong” religions, it is easy to see instances where they get it right. Look at the faithful prayer seen in Islam for example, or the importance of denying yourself in Buddhism.

While these are grey areas they are not necessarily proof that the religions are correct. Once you accept that every other religion could be wrong it is easy to see that we as humans may have distorted the real mission/passion/purpose of Christ. We tread in very dangerous water when we think that we have it all figured out. Our pride can get in the way of our ability to see where we have gone off track. When we as humans and religious people called “to be and make disciples” go off track, we can get in the way of what it is that God is trying to accomplish in and through us.

I know I probably sound like I am straying from God, but let me assure you that I am not. I have come to recognize that God moves in the grey areas in my life, and in the world. Take the world’s reaction to the Japan earthquake/tsunami for example; many countries rushed to the aid of Japan in that time of crisis. We all, as humans, seem to inherently feel compassion for those in situations that are worse than our own. I don’t think that is a coincidence. I think that is one of the ways we were made in God’s image. But God’s image is not as black and white as some Christians (read Muslim, Jews, Hindus, etc) would have you think.

God is bigger than any one religion or worldview. I believe that Christianity is the closest to the Truth in the lineup of all religions. That does not mean that I believe we have it all right. We have a lot that we, as American Christians (and I'm assuimg other Christians as well), do wrong and don’t understand. But we are only human. We are limited in our understanding and in our ability to see God’s master plan.
Sorry I got super preachy. Sometimes it happens and I can’t make it stop.

Time to Slow Down

This week has been really great. Last Friday I went to Springfield and got to spend so quality time with friends I have been missing recently.  It is hard seeing all of the statuses about going back to Witt, but I know I can always go visit.  On Saturday the family went up to Mansfield and visited Grandma and Poppie.  It was good to see them, but nursing homes make me super uncomfortable.  I spent the majority of my time reading The Help.  It is a really engaging book, and I enjoyed reading it.  Sunday was the Senior Send-off at the Gathering (our High School youth group).  Mom, Dad and Alex came to support Sarah since it was her last one.  I didn't do much on Monday or Tuesday.  Wednesday was the Impact (the Middle School youth group) and from that the Youth Team left for Marsha's Mom's lake house.  We spent like a solid 24 hours with each other both working and playing.  I am totally burnt and in quite a bit of pain from that right now, but it was totally worth it.  I am excited for what is in store for the youth groups in the coming year.  Today I took little brother to his piano lesson and went to hangout with Andrea M. at Kitamu Coffee.  Around 8 we were bored so we went to Lytham to see if it was open so we could cook in the kitchen.  It was, however when we got back from our epic trip to Giant Eagle it was no longer unlocked.  I called Doug and he let us use the Kitchen at Mill Run and gave us his key.  Andrea and I stopped at Michelle M's place and picked her up on the way to the church.  We "broke into" the church (as Andrea likes to say since it sounds badass) and made tacos.  Before we knew it it was 11pm.  So we cleaned up the kitchen and I drove Michelle home, dropped Doug's keys off and took Andrea back to Kitamu where she left her car.  It's crazy to me that we spent like seven and a half hours with each other.  It didn't feel like that long to me.  It was a wonderful way to spend my Friday night.

On the retreat I had a pretty strong realization that I need to slow down.  Somewhere along the lines I have become a "Martha" when I really desire to be a "Mary".  I feel like I need to do things and be places and be really scheduled to be doing what God wants, but in reality I just need to enjoy who God is.  It's like I am so busy with my life that I don't really notice what is going on around me and the way God is moving around me. 

Sometimes I fear our youth group is that way as well.  We are well intentioned, but sometimes it's like we are so scheduled and focused that we miss opportunities where we could see God moving.  I really don't want that for the students.  Some of the coolest times in my life have been those times when God's movement was practically tangible.  Those times where I could see God moving have shaped who I am, and I really want to students to have that as well.  It may be time for our youth group to slow down and take it one event at a time.  I don't really know how do-able that is, but I would be nice if we could. 

I think I'm going to start writing my prayers again.  That forces me to slow down and really focus on the words I'm saying.  I miss doing that, so I'm going to go back to it. 

Well, the sun will be up in about an hour, so I should really probably sleep before we go back up to Mansfield tomorrow.  Good night!

Love Wins

So, I just finished reading Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived by Rob Bell.  I really appreciated what he had to say.  It is interesting, because a lot of Christians have taken the message of the book as saying the Bell doesn't believe in Hell.  However that is not true.  Bell seems to believe in Hell, he just believes that God can change a person's heart when they are there.  This idea of a postmortem conversion is one that I agree with.  Earlier this year I tried to articulate this position to friends, but none of them really understood what I was saying.  I can't really blame them for thinking I had gone off the deep end; this is not a commonly talked about theology.  At least not until recently.  Bell's book argued what I have been thinking for the last year or so. 

I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of Hell.  I know that it has to exist, because my understanding is one of a duality.  Like Newton said, for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.  I think the same is true for Heaven.  If Heaven exists, and I'm mostly sure that is does, then there has to be a place opposite of that as well.  This place must be the ultimate bad place, since heaven is the ultimate good.  So, that is not something that makes me uncomfortable.  What does make me uncomfortable is when we limit God's ability to save us through the sacrifice of his son. 

God can do whatever he wants.  I have a really hard time with people saying that Jesus, who conquered death, can't go into Hell and give people another chance.  The idea that God would accept defeat that easily does not line up with the parables we see in the Bible.  When the woman loses one of her gold coins, what does she do?  Does she look around for a bit then give up?  No!  She searches until she finds that coin.  When the shepherd lost his sheep he leaves the rest of his flock and does not come back until that little lamb is on his shoulders, safely home.  Why would Jesus not do the same? 

Overall, Bell presents and argument that I do agree with.  I will admit that sometimes his writing style is a bit much.  I.
Just.
Don't.
Like.
It.
Seriously, use complete sentences.  It's not that hard.  And I do agree with one of my friends who found it entirely obnoxious that pretty much the entire first chapter was made up of questions.  Be that as it may, they were good questions.  So all in all I definitely liked the book.

Music I've Been Digging Recently

I've I have really been digging two albums I bought recently.  The one, The Medicine, is by John Mark McMillan.  The songs are so good and seem so raw at times.  I really can feel myself connecting with his worship in a way I haven't done in a while.  I totally dig his song Skeleton Bones, and when I heard Death in His Grave and How He Loves at Soma last year I fell in love with the songs.  I also love the Youtube video of How He Loves. 

This is how I wish we worshiped in our churches.  The people jumping around completely filled with the joy that comes with the knowledge of the fact that God really truly loves us.  If more of us really understood that I think we would do more than just raise our hands when we worship.  Seriously, it's awesome!

The other album that's been rocking my world is Beautiful Things by Gungor.  I've written about the title track before (here), but now that I have listened to the whole cd, I love this band.  Like John Mark McMillian, they are really hitting me where I am right now.  I love it!  One song, The Earth Is Yours, has and awesome video of the band in a forest doing an acoustive version of it.  Check it out below.

Incredible.  So yeah.  That's the music that has been rocking my ear drums recently.  I hope you dig it too.  Anyone listening to anything good these days?  I'm always looking for new music to check out.  :)

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

At first glance, I don’t really know what to do with this one. So, I did the only thing I know how to do. I turned to a Bible commentary. That proved to be no help.

I am not one who thinks that God leads us into those bad places. I do think, however, that he lets us go there so I can better understand him. I mean, how can I understand light if I haven’t experienced the dark? I would never understand it.

God is love and life. When I have those times away from Him I start to crave that connection. Right now that is where I am with God. It’s not that he has left me, or is sending the hard times, but my connection is weak.

I do believe in evil. I have some friends who don’t really want to believe that humans are evil, but I know that humans have that capacity. The Congo and other places where genocide reigns supreme are proof. Not to mention the recent tragedy in Norway. A guy blew up a bomb by a Norwegian Government district killing seven people. He then apparently went to an island where the ruling party was holding a summer camp for the youth of that party. He open fired, and last I heard he open fired on the attendees for an hour and a half. 85 people were killed there. People are still missing, so that number may rise.

I don’t know how someone faced with this could say that people are not capable of evil. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. God doesn’t say he will stop these events yet. Not to sound super cliché, but we live in a world that is broken. This is a symptom of that brokenness. While that will not bring back those lost, it gives me hope. Someday, Jesus will come back and banish the evil that causes people to do atrocious acts like this. Someday, God will deliver humanity from the evil that plagues this world and we will live in the kingdom that God had in mind from the beginning.

That doesn’t help us now, but remember how this prayer ends:
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
God is in control. While right now we suffer, he will deliver us from evil. That is a promise.

Until then, we need to pray. We need to try and live a life that is reflected in this prayer. We need to remember how God rescued us, and run to him like Stoyan runs to Jeff. We need to try to let go of our matches and allow room for God’s Kingdom. We need to be thankful for the blessings God has lavished on us, and try to turn those blessings out to those who have less. We need to forgive those who wrong us including ourselves, and remember that God forgives us too. God will not abandon us. He never has and never will. Beautiful, huh?