Friday, September 10, 2010

In A Tight Spot

So, buying the house seems to have fallen through. We couldn't fix our credit score enough to get the loan to buy the house. I'm really worried about what that means for my family and myself. Mom emailed Pastor Paul at my church and asked if there was anyone who wanted to buy our house to rent to us for the next year until we can fix our credit and get the loan. We haven't heard back yet though. I'm really concerned that he's not going to help us. I don't think he likes me very much and I'm nervous that he will take that out on my family.

Last year when our church first started talking about leaving the ELCA I wrote him a letter detailing why I thought it was the wrong move. I did that in September and didn't hear back from him until like November. His letter back was pretty curt and didn't really seem pleasant. Now, I could very easily be reading into it emotions that aren't there and I acknowledge that possibility. However, when I stood up in our town hall meetings to discuss this issue he seemed to not be happy to see me. It could be something else. I'll be honest, I haven't dealt with him much before this, so it could just be his personality, but I don't know.

If he doesn't help us with the house because of me, I'm going to be so upset. I don't know how I will handle that. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but it's probably not going to be very productive either.

I feel like through all of this madness God and I have become pretty tight. But I still doubt that this will all work out. Like, I know in my head He is going to take care of my family and me, but in my heart I feel like I'm going to be let down. Why do I feel like this? I mean, He's God! He can do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe that's why it scares me. He can do what He wants. Like, maybe He wants my family to in essence be homeless. Maybe He want's me to suffer for some reason. I don't know, and that terrifies me. Does that make me a bad Christian? Probably...

Oh! So, I'm going on the Common Ground retreat tonight. I'm not staying over, because I have way too much work, but I'm going to go for a while. I'm really looking forward to it. I heard great things about the one from last year, and I'm hoping this will give me a chance to work somethings out with God.

Right now, I have a ton of homework and a headache that is rivaling a migraine. So I'm going to go to Un Mundo and work for a couple hours and drink some coffee and eat some lunch/dinner and hope everything works out.

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