Science Experiment or Sacred Text?

It's 12:30am, and I'm sitting at my dinning room table listening to a Stephen King novel and drinking coffee.  I've been sick for about a week, and I have slept so much that I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.  I'm just not tired.  I am, however, kind of upset.  

When I have nights like this, where sleep is all but possible, I usually grab my Bible, journal, and favorite pen and read and write until I feel my heart settle back into it's normal place and rhythm.  Tonight I did the same only to feel like I had been slapped in the face.  

When I grabbed my Bible out of my backpack where it lives, I saw that it was majorly water damaged.  Pages were stuck together and there even seemed to be mold growing on the edges.  Not jut dark spots, but actual, fuzzy, mold... What the hell did I do?!

A while back, while at work, I had gotten stuck in a torrential downpour at the Adventure Therapy camp we take our residents to.  It was a super cool day, though incredibly stressful.  We had hiked along a creek for over 2 miles, only to have the skies open up and dump rain on us.  We were drenched to the bone, and still had to hike back to our van to go back to the unit.  On our way back, one of our kids began to have an asthma attack.  She couldn't seem to catch her breath, and the rescue inhaler she used wasn't helping as much as we had hoped.  She was till having difficulty catching her breath, but was beginning to calm down when we all piled back into our van and started to head back to the unit.  About 10 minutes into our drive, one of the other girls told my coworker and I that the girl who had been having issues breathing wasn't waking up.  My coworker climbed into the back seat to check her, meanwhile I called 911.  To make a long story short, the girl was taken by squad to the hospital and given breathing treatments, but was, in the end, fine.  

After the chaos of that day, I never took my stuff out of my bag to dry.  This lead to my Bible now being more of a science project than a sacred text.

But, here is the thing; if this had happened a year ago, my Bible would never have stayed in my bag untouched this long.  It never would have had chance to grow anything.  A rolling stone gathers no moss, and a used Bible grows no mold.  So what does that say about my faith?

Is my faith moldy like my book it's based in?  Or is it just different than back in the days where my ministry was easier to see?  I'm leaning toward the later.  I mean, no, based on the cliche american christianity, my faith looks pretty shitty.  I don't go to church (I work Sundays), I rarely read my Bible (I just don't want to), I almost never listen to worship music, and I'm not really a part of your standard Christian fellowship.

I am, however, daily growing in the fruits of the spirit.  I couldn't have stayed at my job as long as I have if I wasn't experiencing God's Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.  I spend my days being threatened and cursed at by the kids I bend over backwards to love well.  And yet, I find myself still honestly wanting the best for them.  On my own, I'm an asshole... the only explanation for me keeping my cool over the last year and a half is Jesus.  

Like I talked about in my last post, I find God to be an artist.  Maybe I'm not listening to Contemporary Christian station on the radio much, but I am still worshiping him.  I've been painting and drawing more recently.  I will often get an image in my head and feel like there is something deeper there for me to learn from.  I have loved drawing a lion head recently, and every time I think about how God has turned my from a lamb, into a lion; taking me from being a bit of a doormat who anyone can walk on, to someone who stands up for herself when it's appropriate.  

I also think about how lions are pride driven, they do everything for their family.  They hunt together, sleep together, raise cubs together.  Right now, I'm in a period in my life where I am searching for my pride.  I'm building into new relationships at work, and still loving my boyfriend with everything I've got.  I've been spending time with family and friends, both new and old.  As time goes on, my tribe/pride/fellowship/whatever you wanna call it grows.

While my Bible may be moldy my faith is not.  Just like a rolling stone gathers no moss, it also has the imperfections knocked off it by the other rocks rolling down the same hill.  The Bible explains it saying "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)  Bumping against the people in my life, the rough edges of my soul are honed and softened. 

If I had to chose between a moldy Bible or a moldy faith, I will always pick a moldy Bible.  I can always buy a new one.

What's Your Passion?

I feel like I have a fire burning deep in the core of my being.  I don’t know what it’s there for, but I can’t shake the feeling that there is something locked inside of me that I haven’t quite found the key to unleashing yet.  I just know that there is something there.  

I’ve found myself thinking about the creation story in Genesis recently.  There are two tellings, one where God speaks everything into existence, and one where he hand-crafts the world, and one particular creation; man. "Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being." (Genesis 2:7) I love the imagery presented in that telling of the creation.  There is this feeling of intimacy that helps the reader to understand the care and passion that went into creation.  Not only did God form man from dust, but he also breathed into man bringing him to life!  Incredible!  Our God is an artist!

It’s no wonder to me that the first time the Spirit of God was given to a person it was given to an artist.  While Moses was on Mt Sinai talking with God, the Lord told him that he had given his spirit to two artists who were commissioned by God to create many holy artifacts, including the arc of the covenant.  (Exodus 31)  While this communion of souls was temporary, it is the same Spirit who came upon the believers at Pentecost.  God lit a fire in his people when he gave them his Spirit.  Their passion for the message of Christ was overwhelming.  They just had to let it out and share it with the people around them.  And, while God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I often need to be reminded that He still breathes inspiration and passion into his people.  

My little brother is a very gifted artist.  While, he was born with a lot of talent in that area, the quality of hi work does not come from him just doodling.  Alex is constantly working to hone his craft.  I don’t think he ever leaves home without a sketchpad and pencil.  I get text messages from him with his latest creation all the time.  He is always drawing.  Art consumes my brother.  And because of that passion and dedication his skill is ever growing.  I have no idea how he will use that gift to impact the world, but I am confident that he will.

That’s the thing about passion and creativity; it refuses to stay locked away for long. When a person discovers their passion, the world around them gains a light that wasn’t there previously.  So, what is my passion?  I have no idea right now.  But I know I won’t have to wait much longer to find out.  I can feel it building in my soul.  It wants to burst forth and bring light to the world around me.  

What is your passion?  How did you discover it?  How are you letting it illuminate the world around you?

Goodbye 2015 (A Few Days Late)

Wow... 2015 was a really big year for me.  When I think about where I am now compared to jut a year ago, I am blown away.  It's super easy for me to get distracted by the day to day nonsense that happens, but when I step back and look I can see that God has been very faithful.

In September of 2014 I posted about how I felt like God was taking me into a season of pruning.  I didn't quite know what that meant, but I knew it was going to suck.  The first half of 2015 was super hard.  My depression was the worst it's been in a long time.  I constantly had thoughts of suicide, and it took everything in me not to act on it.  Eventually I made so really stupid choices that lead me to finally get some help with my mental illness.  I've been going to a psychologist and been on meds for almost 6 months and I am in a much better place now.  It was a very hard step, but it was worth it and I'm glad I was brave enough to do something instead of continuing to suffer.

I also am not really at church anymore.  While I was struggling so much, I felt God ask me to take a break from ministry.  Toward the end of my break I realized that I didn't really want to go back.  I needed a break from that environment, and I really needed to not work retail anymore.  So I looked for a new job, and found one at a residential facility for youths with mental health and behavioral problems due to a history of trauma.  I really like this job.  It's been almost a year and I'm still happy here.  I started on second shift, but switched to first shift recently.  I'm loving it!  I get to go to school with the kids and am working on being certified to lead therapy groups.  Even the worst days there are better than feeling unfulfilled at my retail job.

I've also been making deep and meaningful relationships, as well as mending and growing some old ones.  I've even started seeing a wonderful man who is so good to and for me.  I'm a very lucky girl.

So, when I think back to how much has changed in the last year I can't help but be overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.  I'm glad I hung on long enough to see this part of my life.

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

-Isaiah 43:19

Time for a New Adventure

I have a deep need to find a community where I can be damaged, cynical, and really wrestle with what God is speaking into my life.  I have interacted with so many people who just need a safe space to really figure out where they fall on the question of religion.  We need a safe place to ask dangerous questions.  Questions that can lead to drastic change in our lives.  We need a sancutary for religious exploration and biblical learning.  One where we stop taking things at face value and learn to really dive in and think for ourselves.  

Where there is no vision the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18)  I don’t think that just means that we need good leadership.  If we are blind to truth for ourselves, no amount of preaching or predigested theology will help us.  We will wither and starve.  We need a place to learn to digest the Word on our own.  Where making mistakes and being broken are ok.  A place where authenticity is applauded, not swept under the rug.

We need a real community where we are all fighting to survive this together.  

That’s what I want to help create.  I don’t know who will come, but I trust God will bring the right people.  I can feel in my bones that I can’t just sit by anymore.  It’s time to try and build this community.  I’m not sure what it’s going to look like, but I just want people to feel loved.

I want people to feel safe to question and doubt.  I want people to not feel like they have to check part of themselves at the door.  I want to whole person, not just the cleaned up version.  I want them, warts and all.  I want this community to be an expression of the love and acceptance that God has for us.  No more feeling that they aren’t good enough.  No more thinking they aren’t worth love.  No more people forcing their beliefs on them, but rather them learning to live out their own faith.  

It’s time to get to work.  Let’s do this.

Heretic vs Hypocrites

I'm at a point in my life where I don't have time for hypocrites.  If one more person tries to explain the pain and suffering I've seen around me with a christian platitude (aka: "everything happens for a reason" or "God won't give you anything you can't handle") I'm going to punch them in the face!*

I'm tired of people who say they believe in Jesus, but they use him as an excuse to hate people because of their beliefs/race/sexual orientation.  I'm tired of people claiming that God want's them to be wealthy, and refusing to help the poor.  I have half a mind to leave the Church entirely.

God, I love you, but I can't stand your people!!!!

Seriously, what the fuck makes people think Jesus is cool with them completely ignoring his teachings on loving their neighbor (which includes the homeless guy who sits at the exit you take to get to work).  When did Jesus ever teach that hate/discrimination was an ok option?  Or, here is a better question, who did Jesus get the most pissed at?

He got seriously pissed at the hypocritial teachers of the law!  He said they were like white-washed tombs; pretty on the outside, but full of death on the inside.  (Matthew 23:27)  He had no patience for them.  One of the only times we see him get physically violent is when he drives money changers and venders out of the temple.  They had perverted his father's house. (Matthew 21:12-17) If only he was around to do that now.

I would rather spend time with people who are considered heretics, but are still growing in their faith.  My people are those who are asking questions, challenging the system they learned in sunday school.  The people who aren't sure what they believe, but they know that Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)  Those who hope to one day have their shit together but know that it's probably never going to happen, and rather than stressing about that, they try to love everyone around them to the best of their ability.

I would rather spend my time with the people who may not know what they believe but try to love their neighbor.  I don't want to be around those who think they are 100% right all the time, and refuse to even critically think about their faith.

I think that's why Jesus called fishermen and tax collectors to be his disciples; they were willing to learn, and the students of the temple thought they already knew it all.

I'm tired of hypocrites... where are my heretics?



*I won't actually punch them.  But I will probably scream until I have no more voice.

Weeding and Pruning

Over the course of the year I have felt like God has been teaching me about rest.  I mean, when we started 2014 and I asked him what my word for the year was, that’s what I felt like he gave me.  Toward the beginning, he showed me that I am allowed to rest.  I took a month of from the ministries I am involved in.  Nothing fell apart.  I mean, there were a few things that needed to be adjusted and fixed when I came back, but nothing too drastic. 

During the summer, I feel like God was showing me that I can find moments of rest in the craziness.  And also that it’s ok to be protective of those moments.  He also showed me why rest is so important.  It’s like; I tried to love people out of my own strength.  I tried to make myself be there for them, and take care of them while I myself was falling apart at the seams.  I missed things then.  I was so busy trying to hold myself together so I could take care of them that I missed a lot of opportunities to be there for my friends.

For the last month I have felt like September 1^st was going to mark the beginning of a new lesson in my life.  So far that has proven to be true.  About a week ago I felt like God gave me a heads up that this was going to be a season of weeding and pruning in my life.  God is going to pull up those things in my heart that don’t need to be there so he can plant good things.  And he is going to prune the areas of my life that are producing fruit so that they will produce a bigger harvest.  Since seeing that, I have had some mild anxiety about this new lesson.  I feel like it’s going to hurt.  I had no idea how badly.

I have felt like my soul has been in chaos recently.  Like, every few days I feel like my soul is just getting the shit kicked out of it.  You know that feeling that you get when you are somewhere you are unfamiliar with, and then you get separated from the people you are with?  That panic and fear that just consumes all of you?  That is what I feel deep in the core of who I am.  I lose sight of myself.  

Tonight, I was thinking about a lot of things and nothing in particular when I felt the tug on my heart that God wanted to tell me something.  So, I asked him to speak up.  “Kate, there are a lot of things from your past that we need to deal with.”  That’s what I heard.  I have always thought that I was over most of my history and had moved on.  Apparently I was wrong.  So, it looks like I’m in for a painful couple of months.  I know in the end it will be good.  I am just praying for strength and peace in the meantime.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

One Word Project

Its interesting how easily what we do can become who we are.  

I have been totally exhausted recently.  I know I had at one point said that I was going to forever trust God with the ministries I am involved in, but that was easier said than done.  The worst part was that I didn't even realize I had put the burden back on my shoulders.  Either I am addicted to stress, or Satan has done a bang up job of messing with my head.  I had fallen back into the thought pattern that said it all was up to me, and I had to make the ministry great.  Somewhere along the way my view of reality became incredibly narrow.  That caused me to feel even more responsible, anxious and tired.  I felt like everything I did was criticized and picked apart, nothing was good enough.  

This is the state I was in when I talked to a friend about New Year Resolutions.  She said she wasn't doing those this year, but rather picking one word and focusing on that.  I loved that idea, so I stole it.  After a little prayer, I came to realize my word for 2014 is REST.  

I guess God wants to start this year off with a bang because very soon after coming to my word, I felt like He asked me to take time off from the ministries I am involved in/leading.  I was not pleased with that, at all.  I started telling him all the reasons that was a silly idea.  'I don't want to take time away from my kids.  I love them, and they need me.  Plus, what am I apart from youth ministry...?"  That's where I stopped.  I don't know when it happened, but my identity has shifted from who God says I am to what I do for God.  

This is not a new problem for God.  Jesus had a friend who seemed to face a very similar issue.  Our story is found in the tenth chapter of The Gospel of Luke.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  (Luke 10:38-42)

In the same way that Martha though serving was the most important, I have put my work in ministry above my actual relationship with God.  That's not to say I don't believe, but rather I have been knocked off my center.  

I think of it like this; a washing machine that is off center will still clean clothes, but it wastes energy by bumping into the sides.  A well balanced washing machine is more efficient.  I need to recenter my life on Christ and make our relationship the priority.  I will be much more effective if I do; not because of me, but because God will be able to use me when he chooses to.  I (hopefully) won't get in the way so much.

So, I'm taking a month off from all youth ministry.  This month is going to be incredibly hard.  I am already a mess and I'm only 4 days into it.  But, I'm going to trust God to take care of everything, and pray that I am well rested and recharged during this time off.  Like a friend of mine pointed out, even God rested after creating everything. (Genesis 2:2-3)  Who am I to think I am above the need to rest?  If it's good enough for God, it is more than good enough for me.  

The World is on Fire

The other night I had a dream.  For most people that isn't a big deal, but I don't dream often.  When I do, someone usually is dying violently or some other nightmarish thing happens.  This dream was different, though.

It started with me outside playing basketball with some of my Impacters (the students at Impact).  After a really sweet shot (dream-me has skills) I noticed that the building we were next to was on fire.  It was just a small billow of smoke, but I knew I had to get people out before the fire grew.  I left the game and ran into the building.  I stepped into a room that looked like a lecture hall.  I started telling everyone in the room that the building was on fire and they had to get out and save themselves.  Some people immediately got up and left the same way I came in.  Others remained seated.  I started singling people out; "I need you to understand.  If you don't leave now you're going to die!"  Their responses varied.  Some listened and left.  Others argued, "I don't see a fire, so why should I leave?"  Still others complained, "But I'm comfortable where I am.  I don't want to leave."  Each time someone ignored my warnings I became more and more upset.  I wasn't angry, I was distraught.  "But if you don't come with me, you will die!  How can you just sit there?"  I just didn't understand.  There was an immediate danger and I was warning them.  Why didn't they listen?

At this point I woke up for work.  But I couldn't get the dream out of my head.  When a dream sticks with me like that I tend to ask God if there is something I should be learning from it.  What did that dream mean? When I asked this time, God reminded me of what we had discussed this week at the Gathering (our High School youth group).  We were talking about loving the lost (aka people who don't know Jesus).  One of the students said that he worried he doesn't really love his friends because he doesn't tell them about Jesus.  That struck me.  How many people do I know and not really love because I don't warn them?  At the same time, I don't want people to "convert" out of fear.  I'm not a turn-or-burn Christian.  I believe we were created for so much more than a faith from fear.

I have never considered myself much of an evangelist.  It makes me uncomfortable to just randomly talk to people about Jesus.  If someone asks me about him I am more than happy to answer questions or give them the run down.  But I have a hard time just putting myself out there.  Maybe that's the point of the dream.  I'm going to be rejected sometimes.  That's not the point.  Instead of letting my fear of failure stop me from trying I should remember those who left the first time I warned them.

Plus, in the end I'm only responsible for being obedient and faithful.  I can't change anyone's heart, only God can do that.  I can just tell them about him and live in a way that makes his existence undeniable.  I can love the people around me out of his love instead of my own.  And I can pray.

So that's what I will do.  I'm going to love people and pray that God open their hearts to him.

"Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." -1 Thessalonians 2:8

I'll Sleep When I Am Dead

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

How many times have I heard myself say that recently?  I am so tired, and yet I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere near enough rest.  I am exhausted.  Even when I finally do sleep, I am plagued by dreams of my responsibilities and nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat. 

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

This is what I tell myself when I am so tired I feel physically ill.  It is usually around then that ‘something comes up’ and I don’t have time to get some rest.

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

I have been saying this for years, but today the meaning changed for me.  I listened to one of the Jesus Culture Leadership Podcasts called Leading from Rest.  The speaker, Banning Liebscher, focused on the story of Jesus calming the storm which is found in Mark 4:35-40.  

As I was listening, it struck me that Jesus was asleep.  I mean, that really isn’t new information, but as a kid that didn’t mean as much to me as I does now.  Now, I am sleep deprived.  I am working a job that isn’t really what I want to do forever, while I am volunteering in a position I feel called to.  I sacrifice sleep (and other forms of rest) so that I can do what God is calling me to do. 

Jesus’ calling was even higher than mine, and his was probably quite a bit more stress inducing than mine.  His was going to end in an excruciatingly painful death; mine involves doing life with middle school and high school students.  Mine is difficult, but it doesn’t even compare to what Jesus did.  With that said, Jesus slept in a boat with a storm raging around him.  I can’t seem to sleep in my warm bed under my parents’ roof.  What is the difference between us?  (Other than the fact that he is God-incarnate, that is.)

It hit me today, as I listened to the podcast, that Jesus knew his whole ministry only existed because of the work of the Father.  Banning kept saying that it was God who builds the house, not us.  I was convicted of holding the hammer and telling God that I’ve got it.  It’s no wonder I am so tired.  I have been trying to build a ministry, and inviting God to come along with me.  It’s totally the other way around.  God called me to join him in HIS work in my students’ lives; I didn’t call God to come with me.  I’m trying to wield tools that don’t belong to me.

When the success of the ministry isn’t on my shoulders, it is much easier to rest.  When I remember that God builds the house, I just get to help where he calls me the weight falls on God, who it more than big enough to carry it.  I can actually rest for a change.  I can sleep without worrying about my kids and leaders.  When I remember who really does the work, I am not burdened by the pain and challenges of loving my kids.  I can just celebrate what God is doing in their lives, and comfort them when they are hurting.  I don’t have to fix them.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

I think I have been looking at that all wrong.  It is more like ‘I will rest when I am dead.’  I will be able to breathe when the burden isn’t all on my shoulders, crushing my lungs.  When I die to myself, and come back to life in Christ I am finally able to rest.  I can rest in my identity as a daughter of the King of Kings.  I can rest in the assurance that God really is looking after ‘my’ kids, and that he does in fact love them more than I can even fathom.  I can rest because I know that ultimately God asked me to join his story, so the spotlight isn’t on me but on him.  I can rest because I belong to Jesus and nothing anyone says or does will ever change that.  He loves me enough that he died for me; of course he will see me through a little storm. 

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Tonight I pray that God reminds me of who is really building the house.  I don’t have to save the world, Jesus already did that.  I just need to love those God brings into my life, and respond in obedience and faithfulness to the promptings of the Spirit.  So tonight, I will finally sleep knowing the pressure isn’t on me.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” –Galatians 2:20

My Disciple Updated

Back in 2008 I wrote a blog post about which of the 12 Disciples I identified with the most.  At the time I was really struggling with my faith.  I was questioning everything about who I am and what I believe.  I wrote:

Reen and I have been talking about which Apostle we think we are most like. We have both taken a liking to Thomas. I have always likened myself to Thomas in his doubt. I've been thinking about it today and have come to a realization; I am Judas. I am disheartened by Jesus. He isn't enough of a revolutionary for me. I am fairly sure I would probably have done the same as Judas. I would have sold my teacher to better the mission of the revolution.   (My Disciple)

I read that and it makes my heart flipflop.  

I remember feeling like that.  I remember crying for an hour after coming to the realization that I was not ok with Jesus.  I remember feeling like I was stuck in that situation forever.  But that isn’t what God had in mind.  He didn’t leave me there, and I am more than thankful for that.  

Today when I think about which of the disciples I am like I wouldn’t say I am like Judas anymore.  If I really sit down and think about it, I would probably be the most like Peter.  It kinda kills me to say that, because I feel like he was a bit of a tool.  The would speak and act before he thought.  He had a tendency to get an answer right, and then turn around and say something incredibly ridiculous.  

We see a great picture of this in Matthew 14:22-33.  Jesus just got done preaching and wanted to take some introvert time, so he sends his disciples ahead of him and basically says he will catch up.  So the guys get in the boat and shove off into the Sea of Galilee.  Just before daybreak, Jesus walked out to meet them

.  The disciples flipped out, and thought he was a ghost.  Jesus called out to them to reassure them that he wasn’t a ghost, and they didn’t need to be afraid.  Next thing we know, Peter has opened his mouth and said that if that was actually Jesus, to tell him to get out of the boat and walk to him.  So Jesus tells him to come to him.  So Peter hops out of the boat and starts to walk toward Jesus.  This is about the time his brain catches up with what is going on.  Peter takes a look around at the wind and waves, he freaks out and starts to sink.  Jesus reaches out, and pulls him up and asks him why he doubted.  

I don’t always jump before thinking.  But Peter really doesn’t here either.  He said he would get out of the boat if Jesus told him to do so.  I try to be the same way.  I don’t jump at every whisper of the wind, but if I feel like Jesus is asking me to do something, I am out of the boat before my brain registers what happened.  Often I have the same sinking outcome, but Jesus doesn’t let me go under.  

That isn’t the only thing about Peter, though.  Peter didn't always follow the blind faith.  When Jesus was arrested, Peter refused to admit that he had know Jesus.  The same guy who walked on water and traveled with Jesus for three years, denied being associated with him.  

I did the same during the time I wrote the post I talked about earlier.  I was disheartened with Jesus; I didn’t think he held up to his end of the deal.  I was ready to walk away and leave it all behind.

However, when Jesus rose from the dead he didn’t let Peter sit with his guilt.  Jesus met him on the beach of the same body of water on which he and Peter had walked.  It was there Jesus forgave Peter, and helped Peter forgive himself.  Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Jesus.  Each time, Peter answered with a yes that was more emphatic than the one before.  From there, Peter went on to do great things in the name of Jesus.

Jesus didn’t let me stay where I was either.  He used friends and family to remind me of who he is, and who I am.  He basically asked me if I love him.  Next thing I knew I heard myself saying “Yes, Lord, of course I love you.  How could I not?”  I am so thankful for his unwillingness to let me stay in my guilt and misery.  

I love going back and reading old blog posts, because it gives me the chance to rethink things that I wrestled with when I was younger.  It’s also fun, because sometimes I will type something out of exasperation that ends up being what God does.  That is what happened in the original post.  I ended it by saying:

I don't know what will happen. Maybe this will be the end of the Christian adventure in my life. Maybe it will turn out I am actually Peter; I have denied him but then he will take me back. I really don't know, but I’m just going to have to wait and see.  (My Disciple)

It was a hard road getting here, but I wouldn’t trade it for world.

Wise Counsel includes Psychologists

I have had a post rolling around in my head for a while now.  It is a topic incredibly dear to me, and it affects me and a number of people I love.  It is a topic our churches don’t always want to deal with, and sometimes sweep under the rug.  Other times, they blatantly alienate those who are affected by this.  What is it?

Depression.

But it’s more than that.  It’s all the mental health issues we see in our society today.  Depression is the one I deal with the most.  That and anxiety.  But there is a myriad of other ways mental illness shows up in our society and, yes, even within the walls of our very own churches. 

I can remember many conversations with close friends who have been told by other Christians who they love and trust that the reason they have depression/anxiety/fill-in-the-blank was because they don’t pray enough.  That is a load of crap.  You are not less of a believer if you have a mental illness, and your mental illness does not define you. 

Recently I had a friend come to me and “confess” they are depressed.  The way they talked about it made it sound like it was some dark skeleton they have kept in their closet for years.  It absolutely broke my heart.  I could tell while talking to them that they honestly thought this was something to be ashamed of.  Like this was going to make me trust them less or think less of them.  All I wanted to do was hug them and tell them that they are going to be ok.  Instead I shared some of my story.

I have had some serious depression issues in my life.  I know what it is like to wake up and feel like there was no point to life.  I can literally tell in my mind when I depressed and when I wasn’t based on the colors of my memories.  My memories from when I was depressed are muted and have lots of cool colors in them.  That is contrasted with the incredibly vibrant colors of when I am free of that mental state.  There have been times where I literally fell into be completely spent at the end of the day; not because I did anything spectacular, but because I survived the day.  There have been times where the only book in the Bible I could identify with was Ecclesiastes.  Everything was meaningless.

That book doesn’t make sense in the grand scheme of the Bible.  There isn’t much about God’s love/power/etc. in it.  Ecclesiastes is basically King Solomon’s view of the world from the lens of depression.  Originally there was debate about whether or not it should even be in the Bible.  Do you know why they added it?  They ultimately included it because it was a good depiction of part of our broken world.  Depression is real.  It hurts.  But it doesn’t define you or make you less of a believer.

We are often told in the Bible to seek wise counsel.  People are ok with that, until it comes to mental illness.  Then they want to just sweep it under the rug.  Don’t do that.  You aren’t helping yourself.  Now don’t get me wrong, I totally believe Jesus can heal us of anything and everything instantaneously and forever.  But that doesn’t discount the fact that God has given us the ability and knowledge to be freed through medicine.  Do I think you should pray for supernatural healing for your mental illness?  Abso-freakin-loutly.  Do I think that is all you should do?  Hell no!  Seeking wise counsel includes us going to the correct doctors for what is ailing us.  Don’t just ignore it and hope it goes away.  That is too dangerous.  Don’t mess around with your life.  Life isn’t a game, so don’t treat it like it is. 

If nothing else from this sinks in, please remember that your depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/eating disorder/bipolar disorder/ etc. DOES NOT DEFINE YOU, and it does not make you less of a believer.  You are loved no matter what state your mind is in.  Jesus didn’t wait for you to get your act together before he died for you, and he doesn’t wait for you to heal yourself before he will welcome you into his family.  He said it himself, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Matthew 9:12)  So please do not be ashamed to seek out professional help.  And don’t forget that you are not alone in this struggle.  There are a lot of us out there fighting this battle.  I believe one day we will win this battle, for Jesus has already won the war.  

Adventure

I don’t know what it is about spring, but this time every year my desire to go on an adventure is awakened.  Something about spring makes me hope that Peter Pan would come through my window and tell me the Lost Boys need a mother.  Makes me long for a blue Police Box that is bigger on the inside to bring the Raggedy Doctor into my life, even if it means I have a lot of running in my future.  I want to become the heroine of my story, not a passive bystander.

I never really know how to put this feeling into words.  I do know that it is like a fire burning in the pit of my stomach.  It is in the same place where I feel nervousness or shame, but it is an entirely different feeling.  It moves from my core and spreads through my limbs making me antsy for whatever it is that is coming my way. 

This is the same feeling that has caused me to try to pack a bag and skip town every time there is a natural or man-made disaster.  More than once my mom has walked in on me throwing clothes and toiletries into a dufflebag.  The first time she didn't even know what to do with me.  She stood in my doorway asking me what I was doing.  “Mom, didn't you hear?  There was a tsunami in the Indian Ocean.  It has killed a lot of people and I need to go help.”  She wouldn't let me go.  In her defense, I was only in High school, and didn't have a passport.  The same feeling was awakened when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.  Once again, I tried to physically go help.  Again, mom wouldn't let me. 

The cycle continued when I watched the Invisible Children movie as a senior in High School.  I tried to leave, mom put me on lock down.  I started to realize that my intentions were good, but my application did not match where I was in my life.  Instead of trying to do it on my own, I started talking to my peers.  This was too big to let go without doing something.  We decided that if we cannot go to help fix the problem, we would help raise money so other people can do what we can’t.  We held a benefit concert to raise money and awareness. 

After all of these my hunger for adventure was satiated, but barely.  Now, nothing is quenching that fire.  I was thinking about this on my way home from giving my siblings a ride to school.  I was struck with how tame our faith has become.  The reason I am so antsy and so hungry for adventure is because that is what we were created for.  When we look at the stories of the Ancients of faith we see them walking closely with God, and their stories are so full of danger, impossibilities, and love.  They live adventurous lives. 

The more time you spend with someone, the more you become like them.  We see this clearly with the disciples.  They spend three years with Jesus, learning to love people alongside their master.  Once Jesus went back to the Father, they were still on earth to finish out the adventure he had sent them on.  They were healing people, casting out demons, facing down angry mobs with stones and a few even took on royalty, all in the name of Christ.  There had to be moments were they looked at each other and asked, “is this real life?”  That life is more real and fiery than all the mediocre, lukewarm lives people live today. 

Today I realized that when I am craving adventure, what I am really craving is a closer connection with Jesus.  The adventure will come naturally.  First, I need to learn how to walk with Jesus, and hear his voice clearly, and then I can learn to run.  It’s not about what I can do, but about how much I love spending time with God.  If I rest into Him, he will give me the desires of my heart; no deep relationship with Jesus can be dull.  So, let’s do it!  Let’s dive in head first and live the dynamic lives we were created for.  No more boring half asleep lives.  It’s time to wake up and walk so close to the fire of God that we can’t help but light on fire ourselves.  

New, Not Better

When I was younger, before I really began to grasp the love of God and what Christ did for me, I was incredibly insecure.  I was shy and quiet.  I would let people walk all over me.  I never could trust that people actually liked me and thought I was fun to be around.  I thought so little of myself and allowed people to treat me like crap.  I only ever wanted to be liked and cared for, but was too scared to seek it out. 

On Wednesday I was sharing with the Impact team how I have been really fighting those insecurities; and the feeling that my new friends from a Bible study (Fire) I have started to go to don’t really like me.  I was asking for prayer that I can push the insecurities aside and remain in who God has made me.  Sarah piped up saying that I will always be that secretly shy, socially awkward, girl.  Maggie tried to tell me that was not true.  After the meeting she read 2 Corinthians 5:17 and said that it applies to me.

As I was driving to worship with Fire last night and was thinking about that verse.  “If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has gone.”  It says a new creation, not a better person.  New.  As I was thinking about this I started to wonder what that would look like.

I think it’s like when you call Verizon for a new phone.  You always want a brand new phone; one straight from the factory.  Instead they send you a refurbished phone.  Those phones always have issues that show up a few months after they send it to you.  But on that lucky day they you get a straight from the factory, new phone, you have a phone that has no history of brokenness.  There are no “fixed” issues that will show up later. 

That is me.  I keep thinking I am a refurbished phone.  I am not.  I am a new phone.  There is no brokenness because Christ has made me new.  My old issues only show up because I expect them to.  I’m only insecure because I am not holding on to the promise that God made me. 

It is easy for me to think 2 Corinthians 5:17 applies to my leaders, my students, or my friends.  It is a lot harder for me to accept that for myself.  I need to remember that God wants to work on me as much as he does them.  I am just as much his beloved child as they are.  It’s time I stop selling myself short and trust God at his word.  I just don't know where to start.

Offended

It has been a long time since I have gotten really mad at something one of the pastors has said on a Sunday.  Today I was livid.  

We were talking about Ezekiel, which is one of my favorite books in the Bible.  Pastor Dan started out talking about King Manasseh.  This was a bad dude.  He worshiped the pagan gods killed so many people it was said the streets ran with blood.  This guy even burned his own son in a sacrifice. 

As we know, God doesn’t let men like that stay in power in the Old Testament.  God allowed the Assyrians to take Manasseh into captivity.  While there he repented.  God, seeing the change in his heart, forgave him and freed him.  Manasseh had a second chance. 

Pastor Dan tried to make the point that this kind of resurrection should offend us.  He went on to talk about the valley of the dry bones later in the book.  This is one of my all time favorite stories in the Bible.  Here’s what happens:  God comes, plucks Ezekiel up and drops him in the middle of a valley of dry bones. 

God has Ezekiel prophesy to the dry bones.  As he is speaking he hears a rattling and sees the bones come together and the tendons are formed and muscle and skin.  God then has Ezekiel call the breath for the bodies.  It comes in and enters the body and they all come back to life; a vast army awakened from a deep slumber. 

Still the pastor tried to say that resurrection should be offensive to us.  That pissed me off.  We should not be anymore offended by the idea of a God of resurrection than a God of love or a God who will fight for us. 

If we as Christians claim to profess the resurrection of Christ, then we should not be offended of resurrection.  It’s what our God is about.  In the Old Testament we see it with the dry bones; we see it with both Elijah and Elisha when they brought people back from the dead.  We see it in the way God continually takes Israel back even though they constantly spit in his face.  And when Christ dies the book of Mark says that the graves are opened and the dead go walking around.  Resurrection is what our God does! 

I am offended by the thought that I should be offended by the resurrection.  When we are claiming ourselves as heirs to the resurrection of Christ we should not be offended by that inheritance.  There are no lost causes with God.  There is no one who doesn’t deserve a second chance.  Everyone gets that who ‘confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believes in their heart that God raised him from the dead you will be saved.’  You will be saved from damnation; you will be saved from yourself; you will be saved from the things that consume you. 

The resurrection doesn’t offend me, it gives me a reason to live.