I don't know why I do this to myself. I know that I am graduating in like 2 weeks, but I have become closer friends with my freshman, Sarah. We spend so much time together, hanging out, texting and just doing whatever. But I leave soon.
Tonight, Katie B. had a girl's night at her apartment. It was me, Katie B., Sarah, Katie's freshman Kate, Amanda, and Sarah's roommate Kateri. We had a really good time watching RENT then Tangled. It was good quality time.
When we had gone our separate ways, I got a text from Sarah. "You are leaving. :(" That text broke my heart. I remember what it felt like when Kate Longtin graduated and left me behind. I really don't want Sarah to have to deal with that. Kate and I have grown apart. I hate that so much. I had hoped we would get back to how it used to be when she came to my graduation, but it turns out she can't come. I didn't realize how upset I am about that until tonight. I know it is 100% out of Kate's hands, and I'm not upset with her. I just wish I would get to see and hangout with her.
I'm one of the speakers for the Baccalaureate service here at Witt. I really wanted Kate to come hear me speak. But I guess I will just have to get used to the idea that it isn't going to happen.
To top that all off, I went to my last CWS rehearsal ever. After this Sunday, I will never be the drummer for CWS again. It hasn't quite hit me yet. I think it will soon though.
Well, it's WittFest weekend, and I really want to hear Just Eve and Wittmen Crew sing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to go to bed. I will try to finish the Easter Sunday post soon and get that up. Sorry for the delay.
Good Night!
Showing posts with label regret. Show all posts
Showing posts with label regret. Show all posts
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, October 10, 2010
moving
Well, over the next two weekends my family is going to be moving. We didn't end up being able to buy the house. I'm really not ok with this. I don't want to leave my house. We have so many friends near by. I don't want to have to try and restart making relationships with the neighbors. I don't want to have to have a different room, or driveway. I don't want to move.
I don't think its fair. I feel like bad stuff always happens to my family. Every time I think we might be about to catch a break the rug is yanked out from under us and bad shit starts all over again! I'm starting to worry that there will never be an end to it. Is this going to follow me into my adult life as well? Am I going to die a lonely and bitter woman who never had a chance to feel comfortable in her surroundings or her own skin? When will it end?
I have such big hopes and plans, but it's hard to think that I will achieve any of the goals I have set in front of myself. I don't know how to beat it. Dad always tells me he wants me to do better than he did. I don't know how to. I feel like I'm trapped where I am. I will never move up the socio-economic ladder. Not just that, but I will never have the opportunities that I hope and pray are available to me. What do I do with that? How do I fix that? I didn't choose to have all of this thrust onto my shoulders.
I don't feel smart enough to do anything about my desire to be a professor. I don't think I will ever be at that point. Professor just know everything. I don't. No one should listen to me, I have no authority. I act like I know whats happening, but I don't really feel like I do. I feel like it's a fluke that I have gotten this far. Is that possible? Could it be a mistake that I have done well in school?
I feel like I have so many lies to try and fight. Lies like I'm not smart, I am not pretty, I am not worth people's time, I am weak. How can I beat these when I am so tired and I don't feel like many people tell me otherwise? Sometimes I just want to give in to the melancholy and let it consume me. What would be the problem with that? Maybe that is who I really am, maybe my life will be less disappointing if I don't think anything good will ever happen to me. Then I won't be let down.
I don't think its fair. I feel like bad stuff always happens to my family. Every time I think we might be about to catch a break the rug is yanked out from under us and bad shit starts all over again! I'm starting to worry that there will never be an end to it. Is this going to follow me into my adult life as well? Am I going to die a lonely and bitter woman who never had a chance to feel comfortable in her surroundings or her own skin? When will it end?
I have such big hopes and plans, but it's hard to think that I will achieve any of the goals I have set in front of myself. I don't know how to beat it. Dad always tells me he wants me to do better than he did. I don't know how to. I feel like I'm trapped where I am. I will never move up the socio-economic ladder. Not just that, but I will never have the opportunities that I hope and pray are available to me. What do I do with that? How do I fix that? I didn't choose to have all of this thrust onto my shoulders.
I don't feel smart enough to do anything about my desire to be a professor. I don't think I will ever be at that point. Professor just know everything. I don't. No one should listen to me, I have no authority. I act like I know whats happening, but I don't really feel like I do. I feel like it's a fluke that I have gotten this far. Is that possible? Could it be a mistake that I have done well in school?
I feel like I have so many lies to try and fight. Lies like I'm not smart, I am not pretty, I am not worth people's time, I am weak. How can I beat these when I am so tired and I don't feel like many people tell me otherwise? Sometimes I just want to give in to the melancholy and let it consume me. What would be the problem with that? Maybe that is who I really am, maybe my life will be less disappointing if I don't think anything good will ever happen to me. Then I won't be let down.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
One year ago today
That is when Peter died. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I mean, I didn't know him very well. We sorta hung out with the same people, but generally speaking, hadn't talked all that much.
I was doing ok. I made it through a facebook status or two and a tweet. Then I went to chrck my email... Mom had sent me a forward about a teacher who told all her students that they make a difference in her life. She put a ribbon on their shirts then handed them three more. One student took it to a buisness man who had helped him figure out his career goals and passed on the extras telling him to do the same. The buisness man gave one to his boss telling him to pass it on. The boss went home and sat down with his son. He told his son what had happened and said that he couldn't think of anyone more deserving that his son to have the last ribbon. The son broke down crying and said that he had spend the afternoon writing a suicide note. He was going to kill himself when his parents went to bed. He never thought his parents cared about him.
This simple act of letting people know how much they mean to you litterally saved this boy's life. Sometimes I wonder if that would have saved Peter. If one more person had said they loved him, they cared about him and what happened to him mattered I wonder if he would still be here. He couldn't have known how deeply this would effect so many people. Even people like me who didn't know him well feel the loss.
Ok, time to get back to studying for Midterms... I hate exam weeks. They are the worst.
I was doing ok. I made it through a facebook status or two and a tweet. Then I went to chrck my email... Mom had sent me a forward about a teacher who told all her students that they make a difference in her life. She put a ribbon on their shirts then handed them three more. One student took it to a buisness man who had helped him figure out his career goals and passed on the extras telling him to do the same. The buisness man gave one to his boss telling him to pass it on. The boss went home and sat down with his son. He told his son what had happened and said that he couldn't think of anyone more deserving that his son to have the last ribbon. The son broke down crying and said that he had spend the afternoon writing a suicide note. He was going to kill himself when his parents went to bed. He never thought his parents cared about him.
This simple act of letting people know how much they mean to you litterally saved this boy's life. Sometimes I wonder if that would have saved Peter. If one more person had said they loved him, they cared about him and what happened to him mattered I wonder if he would still be here. He couldn't have known how deeply this would effect so many people. Even people like me who didn't know him well feel the loss.
Ok, time to get back to studying for Midterms... I hate exam weeks. They are the worst.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Tetelestai
I went and saw Tetelestai tonight. I was fantastic. I had forgotten how much I love that show. OK, that might be a tiny bit of a lie because I don't think I will ever forget how much that show means to me. It changed me a lot. It changed me for the better. Before that show I was a quiet, insecure girl who had very little idea or passion about what she believed. After the two years of the show I was more comfortable with who I was and knew what I believed. It really was a turning point in my life.
That being said, I regret that time of my life. I regret that I didn't branch out more within the cast. I regret that I only got close to a handful of people, most of whom I don't talk to anymore. I regret not realizing that those years would fly by faster than I wanted them to.
I am so thankful to have had the chance to be in those casts with the people I was with. So many of them made an impact on my life and neither of us even realized it at the time. I see now how my experiences have helped to make me who I am today.
I hope that the kids in the cast realize that they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Those people they get dressed up in funny costumes and smear body makeup on every weekend will help make them who they are when they get to be as old as me. those memories, inside jokes, host family experiences and everything else that make Tetelestai so unique will stay with them for as long as they let it.
That being said, I regret that time of my life. I regret that I didn't branch out more within the cast. I regret that I only got close to a handful of people, most of whom I don't talk to anymore. I regret not realizing that those years would fly by faster than I wanted them to.
I am so thankful to have had the chance to be in those casts with the people I was with. So many of them made an impact on my life and neither of us even realized it at the time. I see now how my experiences have helped to make me who I am today.
I hope that the kids in the cast realize that they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Those people they get dressed up in funny costumes and smear body makeup on every weekend will help make them who they are when they get to be as old as me. those memories, inside jokes, host family experiences and everything else that make Tetelestai so unique will stay with them for as long as they let it.
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