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I don't know why I do this to myself. I know that I am graduating in like 2 weeks, but I have become closer friends with my freshman, Sarah. We spend so much time together, hanging out, texting and just doing whatever. But I leave soon.

Tonight, Katie B. had a girl's night at her apartment. It was me, Katie B., Sarah, Katie's freshman Kate, Amanda, and Sarah's roommate Kateri. We had a really good time watching RENT then Tangled. It was good quality time.

When we had gone our separate ways, I got a text from Sarah. "You are leaving. :(" That text broke my heart. I remember what it felt like when Kate Longtin graduated and left me behind. I really don't want Sarah to have to deal with that. Kate and I have grown apart. I hate that so much. I had hoped we would get back to how it used to be when she came to my graduation, but it turns out she can't come. I didn't realize how upset I am about that until tonight. I know it is 100% out of Kate's hands, and I'm not upset with her. I just wish I would get to see and hangout with her.

I'm one of the speakers for the Baccalaureate service here at Witt. I really wanted Kate to come hear me speak. But I guess I will just have to get used to the idea that it isn't going to happen.

To top that all off, I went to my last CWS rehearsal ever. After this Sunday, I will never be the drummer for CWS again. It hasn't quite hit me yet. I think it will soon though.

Well, it's WittFest weekend, and I really want to hear Just Eve and Wittmen Crew sing tomorrow morning, so I'm going to go to bed. I will try to finish the Easter Sunday post soon and get that up. Sorry for the delay.

Good Night!

Big Changes

There has been a big change in my life this week. I quit CWS. It's really weird to have that not be a part of my schedule anymore. I mean, since the first or second week of freshman year I have been either singing in or planning the service. But no more.

I had very little passion for the ministry anymore, and even worse, I was starting to resent it. I never wanted to go on Sunday and I would feel so guilty about that. I don't think I've been at all this semester.

Part of me wonders if I am just crossing off all of the ministries from the list of ones I used to do, or am I actually hearing God? Am I just being lazy? I don't think it would have been good for me to keep going since I didn't like the service.

It's kinda hard right now. I feel like so much of what made me me my freshman and sophmore years is no longer a part of who I am. I don't do CWS, I don't go to WCA, I don't go to Primetime (though I am trying it out again). And I ended up not leading YoungLife. All of those campus ministries that were once a part of my identity are no long there. So, I'm kinda floundering. I'm trying to figure out who I am now. What makes up who I am?

I've been told to ask God how he thinks of me, but I have a hard time understanding his answer. And I feel like the Bible just says generic things like "made in God's image" and "you are God's workmanship". That's all well and good, but I need more concrete answers... I need actual descriptions of who he sees me as. I need real answers, not the generic, this applies to anyone answers. I want to know who I am so I can be confident enough to live that way.

But somehow I feel like that won't ever really happen. I will always have to struggle with identity. The struggle with identity is all throughout the Bible, so at least I'm in good company.

A House Divided

So, we have a little unrest within the CWS team. The guy I switch with for drumming each week is annoyed that we hadn't cleared the every other week schedule with him. Well, I was really really upset about this. I had asked him on multiple occasions if he was OK with me drumming and each time he had said that it was cool with him. Well, out of the blue he decided it wasn't OK with him, and that he had been mislead by Sarah and me. Like I said, I wasn't happy about this. I finally realized that I needed to pray about this issue and to see if God will change my heart so I can forgive him for accusing him wrongly. As I was thinking about this, it hit me... we're under attack. CWS hasn't had any problems yet since I've been here, and now that we are starting to grow and we can see God moving in our midst this happens. It's too coincidental. We are becoming a threat, so Satan tried to split us up. A house divided cannot stand. It's a simple fact that Satan knows and uses to try and break us up. But how exciting is that?!? CWS is enough of a threat for Satan to pay attention to us! I'm so happy. I mean, the situation sucks, but it's better than being complacent.

OK, it really is time for bed now. I hope tomorrow this excitement is still here. lol. night!

Community

Something has been nagging at the back of my mind all break. I haven't know what it was, but it felt like an urgent problem to solve. It just hit me what it is... CWS. There is a problem with CWS and I haven't been able to figure it out for 3 semesters now. I think I may have just had a slight insight into what is holding us back from being a community like some of us want. We have no stability. Things are changing way too rapidly. Between graduation and study abroad there is just too high of a rate of change for us to really grow a community. We have four years at school and then we're gone.

The church is not a building, but rather the people in the community of faith. How, then, can we expect to have a great church when there is next to no community? Part of me wonders if that is why the campus ministries aren't doing as well as they had hoped. Well, all of them accept Young Life. It's like YL is always together. They know what is going on in eachother's lives all the time. If someone is having a rough time the community lift's them up. If something good happened to someone the community celebrates with them. They are always living with each other and are sharing everything. It's the closest example we have on campus that we have to the church described in Acts. "All the believers were together and had everything in common." (Acts 2:44)

It is sad, but when I look around CWS I know about half of the people who come. That half I know well. They are some of my closest friends. The others I know nothing about. I don't even know most of their names. It's very different from last year. I felt like I knew basically everyone last year. This year I don't even really know the team very well. No wonder I'm starting to not enjoy going. I love hanging out with Sarah Dennett and Alyssa Armstrong, but I can do that outside of the service. There is very little reason for me to be there. Most of the time I don't even really listen to the sermon. How horrible is that?

I guess I just need to stop griping and try and deal with it. I would love to be able to change it, but I don't know how. I know that I can always talk to the people I don't know, but that only helps me. I want to help make the whole service better. I want to help strengthen the whole community. But how? We started a facebook group... no one uses it. I (and a couple others) want to overhaul the service, but Pastor Rachel fears that people who like the service the way it is won't continue to come. I don't know.

I feel like all people focus on is how to get the word out to the rest of campus so other people will come. I'm starting to think that we should really focus on the people we have before we try and expand. If we can get the members of our "congregation" to honestly be part of a community and be excited about it then they will spread the word themselves. We will have very little advertising to do. Word of mouth is one of the best forms of advertising in my opinion. I put more weight on things my friends ask me to go to than on things I see on fliers.

Ok, my little rant is done. if you have any input feel free to comment.

<3