It's 4:45am, Don't Expect This To Be Super Coherent

Friday night I went to Chris' house for a worship night.  Three of the boys played guitar, one guy played the cajon, and the rest of us sang.  It was super laid back, but I know for me it was exactly what I needed.

At one point in the night I looked around and realized the amazing work God was doing in each of our lives.  I've been having a lot of conversations recently about what makes a team work well, and the best way to lead particularly in the context of church.  Our church is going through A LOT of changes, and let me just tell you that it is not comfortable.  But as I looked around the circle and saw my teammates from Impact and other brothers and sisters in Christ faces as they worshiped I suddenly had hope that we could get through this rough patch.  

I'm starting to learn that the only thing we need is for God to be our focus 100% of the time.  If we can continue to worship Him through all of the drama, politics and pain then He will come through.  I'm starting to really grasp that God really does love our kids more than we do.  When I looked at my friends in the circle I could remember a time when they each were one of my students (other than one of Chris' friends who has started to hangout with us, that is.)  I can remember when the times when I wasn't a good friend or leader to them.  None of it was ever on purpose, but there were times I hurt them, or they hurt me.  If their spiritual maturity relied entirely on me, they would have been screwed.  But that's not how God works, is it?

Over the last couple years I have watched God what has done in the lives of those high school students who were more interested in playing Ultimate Frisbee than they were learning something new about God.  He is turning them into college kids who voluntarily pray for each other and who earnestly seek God's face.

When I think of where I was in my faith when I was their age I know that they are light years ahead of me.  They are hearing God call them to do things, and they jump to it.  Right now one of the boys (19) is in Slovenia doing a 6 week mission with Cru.  Another guy  (19) is getting ready to go to Haiti, this is after he went to India earlier this year.  My sister (20) is studying the Bible with one of her friends, and is so comfortable inviting people to come to church with her.  One of the other girls (19) in our group has been on mission in Russia 4 or 5 times now.  Another girl (21) is getting ready to go to Burundi for a year.  We have people studying to be teachers, and others who want to go into the military, another who wants to run tech at our church.  All of these things are callings from God.  They already are hearing him so much better than your average 20 year old.  

I am so thankful that God has been doing such incredible work in their lives.  If this is where they are now in their early 20s, I can't wait to see where they are when they are in their 40s.  For now, though, I will enjoy watching them grow up, and continue to worship our God along with them.

One Word Project

Its interesting how easily what we do can become who we are.  

I have been totally exhausted recently.  I know I had at one point said that I was going to forever trust God with the ministries I am involved in, but that was easier said than done.  The worst part was that I didn't even realize I had put the burden back on my shoulders.  Either I am addicted to stress, or Satan has done a bang up job of messing with my head.  I had fallen back into the thought pattern that said it all was up to me, and I had to make the ministry great.  Somewhere along the way my view of reality became incredibly narrow.  That caused me to feel even more responsible, anxious and tired.  I felt like everything I did was criticized and picked apart, nothing was good enough.  

This is the state I was in when I talked to a friend about New Year Resolutions.  She said she wasn't doing those this year, but rather picking one word and focusing on that.  I loved that idea, so I stole it.  After a little prayer, I came to realize my word for 2014 is REST.  

I guess God wants to start this year off with a bang because very soon after coming to my word, I felt like He asked me to take time off from the ministries I am involved in/leading.  I was not pleased with that, at all.  I started telling him all the reasons that was a silly idea.  'I don't want to take time away from my kids.  I love them, and they need me.  Plus, what am I apart from youth ministry...?"  That's where I stopped.  I don't know when it happened, but my identity has shifted from who God says I am to what I do for God.  

This is not a new problem for God.  Jesus had a friend who seemed to face a very similar issue.  Our story is found in the tenth chapter of The Gospel of Luke.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  (Luke 10:38-42)

In the same way that Martha though serving was the most important, I have put my work in ministry above my actual relationship with God.  That's not to say I don't believe, but rather I have been knocked off my center.  

I think of it like this; a washing machine that is off center will still clean clothes, but it wastes energy by bumping into the sides.  A well balanced washing machine is more efficient.  I need to recenter my life on Christ and make our relationship the priority.  I will be much more effective if I do; not because of me, but because God will be able to use me when he chooses to.  I (hopefully) won't get in the way so much.

So, I'm taking a month off from all youth ministry.  This month is going to be incredibly hard.  I am already a mess and I'm only 4 days into it.  But, I'm going to trust God to take care of everything, and pray that I am well rested and recharged during this time off.  Like a friend of mine pointed out, even God rested after creating everything. (Genesis 2:2-3)  Who am I to think I am above the need to rest?  If it's good enough for God, it is more than good enough for me.  

Isaiah 49

** I am cleaning out my computer and just found this.  I wrote it in February, and think it is time to share it. **

Isaiah 49:12-13

See, they will come from afar-

Some from the north, some from the

west,

Some from the region of Aswan.

Shout for joy, you heavens;

rejoice, you earth;

burst into song, you mountains!

For the LORD comforts his people

And will have compassion on his

Afflicted ones.

Amen!

I read this and keep thinking of a mirror being smashed.  The problem with using a mirror is it is too self-centered.  It is not about the mirror.  It is about the light of Christ.  There is freedom in Christ.  Freedom from sin.  Freedom from shame.  Freedom from our own self-worth and self-image.  The pressure is off us to be perfect.  All we have to do is love him and he has compassion on the affliction in all of us.  He sets us free from our pain, from our circumstances, our fears.  Free.  In Christ there is no condemnation.  No one can touch us.  Christ protects us like a mother hen.  He loves us like a husband should love his wife.  He wants to protect her and make her feel loved.  He leads her down right paths.  That is how Christ loves us. 

I have been watching Supernatural recently and whenever they have a spirit who is not at rest they salt the bones and light them on fire.  Are we supposed to do the same when our spirit isn’t at rest?  Is that part of being salt and light?  Are we supposed to help purify eachother?  We should make each other strive after God harder than before.  As iron sharpens iron.  We should be exposing the darkeness in our lives to the light of Christ.  We shouldn’t settle for ok relationships with Christ.  Paul didn’t reach a certain point and stop striving; he kept running after him and so should we.  We should be spurring each other on towards being more like Christ.  

The World is on Fire

The other night I had a dream.  For most people that isn't a big deal, but I don't dream often.  When I do, someone usually is dying violently or some other nightmarish thing happens.  This dream was different, though.

It started with me outside playing basketball with some of my Impacters (the students at Impact).  After a really sweet shot (dream-me has skills) I noticed that the building we were next to was on fire.  It was just a small billow of smoke, but I knew I had to get people out before the fire grew.  I left the game and ran into the building.  I stepped into a room that looked like a lecture hall.  I started telling everyone in the room that the building was on fire and they had to get out and save themselves.  Some people immediately got up and left the same way I came in.  Others remained seated.  I started singling people out; "I need you to understand.  If you don't leave now you're going to die!"  Their responses varied.  Some listened and left.  Others argued, "I don't see a fire, so why should I leave?"  Still others complained, "But I'm comfortable where I am.  I don't want to leave."  Each time someone ignored my warnings I became more and more upset.  I wasn't angry, I was distraught.  "But if you don't come with me, you will die!  How can you just sit there?"  I just didn't understand.  There was an immediate danger and I was warning them.  Why didn't they listen?

At this point I woke up for work.  But I couldn't get the dream out of my head.  When a dream sticks with me like that I tend to ask God if there is something I should be learning from it.  What did that dream mean? When I asked this time, God reminded me of what we had discussed this week at the Gathering (our High School youth group).  We were talking about loving the lost (aka people who don't know Jesus).  One of the students said that he worried he doesn't really love his friends because he doesn't tell them about Jesus.  That struck me.  How many people do I know and not really love because I don't warn them?  At the same time, I don't want people to "convert" out of fear.  I'm not a turn-or-burn Christian.  I believe we were created for so much more than a faith from fear.

I have never considered myself much of an evangelist.  It makes me uncomfortable to just randomly talk to people about Jesus.  If someone asks me about him I am more than happy to answer questions or give them the run down.  But I have a hard time just putting myself out there.  Maybe that's the point of the dream.  I'm going to be rejected sometimes.  That's not the point.  Instead of letting my fear of failure stop me from trying I should remember those who left the first time I warned them.

Plus, in the end I'm only responsible for being obedient and faithful.  I can't change anyone's heart, only God can do that.  I can just tell them about him and live in a way that makes his existence undeniable.  I can love the people around me out of his love instead of my own.  And I can pray.

So that's what I will do.  I'm going to love people and pray that God open their hearts to him.

"Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." -1 Thessalonians 2:8

I'll Sleep When I Am Dead

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

How many times have I heard myself say that recently?  I am so tired, and yet I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere near enough rest.  I am exhausted.  Even when I finally do sleep, I am plagued by dreams of my responsibilities and nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat. 

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

This is what I tell myself when I am so tired I feel physically ill.  It is usually around then that ‘something comes up’ and I don’t have time to get some rest.

“I’ll sleep when I am dead.”

I have been saying this for years, but today the meaning changed for me.  I listened to one of the Jesus Culture Leadership Podcasts called Leading from Rest.  The speaker, Banning Liebscher, focused on the story of Jesus calming the storm which is found in Mark 4:35-40.  

As I was listening, it struck me that Jesus was asleep.  I mean, that really isn’t new information, but as a kid that didn’t mean as much to me as I does now.  Now, I am sleep deprived.  I am working a job that isn’t really what I want to do forever, while I am volunteering in a position I feel called to.  I sacrifice sleep (and other forms of rest) so that I can do what God is calling me to do. 

Jesus’ calling was even higher than mine, and his was probably quite a bit more stress inducing than mine.  His was going to end in an excruciatingly painful death; mine involves doing life with middle school and high school students.  Mine is difficult, but it doesn’t even compare to what Jesus did.  With that said, Jesus slept in a boat with a storm raging around him.  I can’t seem to sleep in my warm bed under my parents’ roof.  What is the difference between us?  (Other than the fact that he is God-incarnate, that is.)

It hit me today, as I listened to the podcast, that Jesus knew his whole ministry only existed because of the work of the Father.  Banning kept saying that it was God who builds the house, not us.  I was convicted of holding the hammer and telling God that I’ve got it.  It’s no wonder I am so tired.  I have been trying to build a ministry, and inviting God to come along with me.  It’s totally the other way around.  God called me to join him in HIS work in my students’ lives; I didn’t call God to come with me.  I’m trying to wield tools that don’t belong to me.

When the success of the ministry isn’t on my shoulders, it is much easier to rest.  When I remember that God builds the house, I just get to help where he calls me the weight falls on God, who it more than big enough to carry it.  I can actually rest for a change.  I can sleep without worrying about my kids and leaders.  When I remember who really does the work, I am not burdened by the pain and challenges of loving my kids.  I can just celebrate what God is doing in their lives, and comfort them when they are hurting.  I don’t have to fix them.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

I think I have been looking at that all wrong.  It is more like ‘I will rest when I am dead.’  I will be able to breathe when the burden isn’t all on my shoulders, crushing my lungs.  When I die to myself, and come back to life in Christ I am finally able to rest.  I can rest in my identity as a daughter of the King of Kings.  I can rest in the assurance that God really is looking after ‘my’ kids, and that he does in fact love them more than I can even fathom.  I can rest because I know that ultimately God asked me to join his story, so the spotlight isn’t on me but on him.  I can rest because I belong to Jesus and nothing anyone says or does will ever change that.  He loves me enough that he died for me; of course he will see me through a little storm. 

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Tonight I pray that God reminds me of who is really building the house.  I don’t have to save the world, Jesus already did that.  I just need to love those God brings into my life, and respond in obedience and faithfulness to the promptings of the Spirit.  So tonight, I will finally sleep knowing the pressure isn’t on me.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” –Galatians 2:20

My Disciple Updated

Back in 2008 I wrote a blog post about which of the 12 Disciples I identified with the most.  At the time I was really struggling with my faith.  I was questioning everything about who I am and what I believe.  I wrote:

Reen and I have been talking about which Apostle we think we are most like. We have both taken a liking to Thomas. I have always likened myself to Thomas in his doubt. I've been thinking about it today and have come to a realization; I am Judas. I am disheartened by Jesus. He isn't enough of a revolutionary for me. I am fairly sure I would probably have done the same as Judas. I would have sold my teacher to better the mission of the revolution.   (My Disciple)

I read that and it makes my heart flipflop.  

I remember feeling like that.  I remember crying for an hour after coming to the realization that I was not ok with Jesus.  I remember feeling like I was stuck in that situation forever.  But that isn’t what God had in mind.  He didn’t leave me there, and I am more than thankful for that.  

Today when I think about which of the disciples I am like I wouldn’t say I am like Judas anymore.  If I really sit down and think about it, I would probably be the most like Peter.  It kinda kills me to say that, because I feel like he was a bit of a tool.  The would speak and act before he thought.  He had a tendency to get an answer right, and then turn around and say something incredibly ridiculous.  

We see a great picture of this in Matthew 14:22-33.  Jesus just got done preaching and wanted to take some introvert time, so he sends his disciples ahead of him and basically says he will catch up.  So the guys get in the boat and shove off into the Sea of Galilee.  Just before daybreak, Jesus walked out to meet them

.  The disciples flipped out, and thought he was a ghost.  Jesus called out to them to reassure them that he wasn’t a ghost, and they didn’t need to be afraid.  Next thing we know, Peter has opened his mouth and said that if that was actually Jesus, to tell him to get out of the boat and walk to him.  So Jesus tells him to come to him.  So Peter hops out of the boat and starts to walk toward Jesus.  This is about the time his brain catches up with what is going on.  Peter takes a look around at the wind and waves, he freaks out and starts to sink.  Jesus reaches out, and pulls him up and asks him why he doubted.  

I don’t always jump before thinking.  But Peter really doesn’t here either.  He said he would get out of the boat if Jesus told him to do so.  I try to be the same way.  I don’t jump at every whisper of the wind, but if I feel like Jesus is asking me to do something, I am out of the boat before my brain registers what happened.  Often I have the same sinking outcome, but Jesus doesn’t let me go under.  

That isn’t the only thing about Peter, though.  Peter didn't always follow the blind faith.  When Jesus was arrested, Peter refused to admit that he had know Jesus.  The same guy who walked on water and traveled with Jesus for three years, denied being associated with him.  

I did the same during the time I wrote the post I talked about earlier.  I was disheartened with Jesus; I didn’t think he held up to his end of the deal.  I was ready to walk away and leave it all behind.

However, when Jesus rose from the dead he didn’t let Peter sit with his guilt.  Jesus met him on the beach of the same body of water on which he and Peter had walked.  It was there Jesus forgave Peter, and helped Peter forgive himself.  Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Jesus.  Each time, Peter answered with a yes that was more emphatic than the one before.  From there, Peter went on to do great things in the name of Jesus.

Jesus didn’t let me stay where I was either.  He used friends and family to remind me of who he is, and who I am.  He basically asked me if I love him.  Next thing I knew I heard myself saying “Yes, Lord, of course I love you.  How could I not?”  I am so thankful for his unwillingness to let me stay in my guilt and misery.  

I love going back and reading old blog posts, because it gives me the chance to rethink things that I wrestled with when I was younger.  It’s also fun, because sometimes I will type something out of exasperation that ends up being what God does.  That is what happened in the original post.  I ended it by saying:

I don't know what will happen. Maybe this will be the end of the Christian adventure in my life. Maybe it will turn out I am actually Peter; I have denied him but then he will take me back. I really don't know, but I’m just going to have to wait and see.  (My Disciple)

It was a hard road getting here, but I wouldn’t trade it for world.

Radical by David Platt

Radical by David Platt took me way longer to read than I expected.  That is not to say it isn't a great book; I just wasn't at a point where I could read it.  In my life there are times where I want to read a book, but it is like trudging through quicksand to even get through a chapter.  That is what this book was for the first year I had it.

One day, I picked it up to give it another shot.  It only took me a week to finish the book.  I love the message Platt delivers.  It is really easy for the American Church to forget how our faith started in struggle as well as there are others in the world still fighting the battle started by the early church.  Radical by David Platt really forced me to examine my own view of my faith.

Platt writes; "Soon I realized I was on a collision course with an American church culture were success was defined by bigger crowds, bigger budgets, and bigger buildings.  I was now confronted with a startling reality: Jesus actually spurned the things that my church culture said were most important."  I totally identified with that struggle.  I go to a rather large Lutheran church in an affluent part of my state capital.  As a ministry leader it is really easy to fall into the trap of making the ministry about the numbers instead of about the individual kids and their stories.

David Platt challenged me to really examine the way I was thinking about the ministry I was leading.  He challenged me to keep the words of Christ in the forefront of my mind when making decisions, and the book encouraged me to not be afraid of living radically; that was the original plan anyway.