I'm the Villain

I am so tired of being the villain in my family.  I feel like nothing I do is good enough. 

So, on top of trying to come to grips with Dad saying I have secondary Power of Attorney I am also being told I am selfish.  Months ago I committed to going on the confirmation retreat, the retreat is this weekend.  I was hoping to still go, since I really hate being in hospitals.  I thought my mom would understand.  She keeps saying that I shouldn't put the responsibility of taking care of Alex on Sarah.  By asking that of me she puts it on me.  It's like she doesn't see how much this all is hurting me.

As mom and I are talking about this all Sarah comes in and rips into me saying how selfish I am and that I only think of myself.  I am tired of them not seeing how much all of this is tearing my up.  I hate that I am an internal processor.  I wish my family trusted me more to think about people other than myself.  I wish they thought higher of me.  I guess I'm not as good as I have always thought.

Maybe I am selfish.  But I don't think that makes me the villain they make me out to be.  I'm just sick of the crap.

Bomb

So, I have been working on and refining two blog post that I was going to post today and tomorrow before I had a bomb dropped on me.  For those who don't know, my dad is having a total hip replacement on Friday after suffering bone on bone pain for the last I don't even know how long.

That is fine, I have known this was coming for a while.  What I didn't see coming was dad handing me a packet with his living will in it.  In the living will, he gave me secondary power of attorney.  If something happens to dad, and mom can't bring herself to tell the doctors to take him off life-support I have to do it. 

I am not even able to throw away papers from elementary school.  I don't want this kind of responsibility.  I wish he would have just asked me so I could tell him how afraid this makes me.  I am a hot mess right now, and I don't even know what to do to pull myself together.  I wish I had someone here to be with me during this. 

This just feels so heavy, and I feel really alone.

Pinterest Night

Tonight was a good night.  Andrea came home for Thanksgiving break, and for the last week we have been planning a pinterest/movie night.  I wanted to make ornaments for my cousins this year, and thought that tonight would be the perfect night for that.  Turns out I was right.  So, with Elf in the DVD player and Andrea reciting every other line I set up my craft stuff.  

These are my (mostly) finished ornaments.

To make them I combined two different pinterest ornaments.  First I started with the Crayon Drip Ornament (found here).  To make them, you take a clear glass ornament and take the top part off.  Then you drop a couple chunks of crayons into them and use your hairdryer on high to heat up the crayon.  As the way melts turn the ornament to spread the color out.  Warning:  The ornaments get really hot so be sure you are moving them around a lot so you don’t burn yourself, and just use common sense.

After that part was done I felt like the ornaments didn’t look finished.  I really wanted to make them sparkly, so I followed the directions I pinned for the No-Mess Glitter Ornaments (found here).  Basically you take floor wax and coat the inside of the bulb, making sure you pour out the excess floor wax.  Then you put glitter in and shake until it is well coated.  The floor wax makes the glitter stay and since the glitter is inside the ornament there is pretty much no mess.  It’s a win-win.

While we watched the genius that is Elf, we also ate some Peppermint White Chocolate popcorn.  (Inspired by this)  The first two bags of popcorn I made were and epic fail.  The first was burnt and the second didn’t pop all the way.  I made Andrea make the next bag, and it turned out just right.  While the popcorn was in the microwave I unwrapped a handful of the peppermint kisses and tossed them in the popcorn when it was out and I put it in a bowl.  I mixed it all together while the popcorn was still hot.  We were all a little unsure about the popcorn before we tried it, but it was actually a lot better than we anticipated.  I was a fan.

Galatians 3

Recently I haven’t been able to get enough of the book of Galatians.  It’s like, every time I read in Galatians, God hits me upside the head with some major truth I have either never seen or have forgotten.  That’s what happened tonight.  

So, I’m reading the third chapter when I come across verses 8 through 12.  They read: 

Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.”  So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith.  

For all who rely on the works of the law are under a curse as it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.”  Clearly no one who relies on the law is justified before God, because “the righteous will live by faith.”  The law is not based on faith; on the contrary, it says, “The person who does these things will live by them.”

The phrase that stuck out to me the most is the very last one.  “The person who does these things will live by them.”  When Paul uses that he is trying to show that if you live by the law you have to stick to it.  There is no other way to salvation than by works.  We know Paul does not actually think that, but rather knows there is no way to salvation that by faith.  

If I chose to try to earn my way into heaven I am going to have to work really hard.  Not just that, but no matter the effort I put in I still won’t be good enough.  I would have to literally live by every single rule, and even then my sinful nature would totally ruin any chance I have of salvation.  If you have a cake, but one of the eggs that went into that cake was spoiled, the whole cake is spoiled.  It’s not like you can seek out and destroy the particular germs to save the rest of the cake.  It may be beautiful on the outside, but it is literally rotten at its core.  That is the human condition.  

Now, the opposite is true as well.  Previous to these verses Paul reprimands the Galatians for forgetting the Gospel they had once heard and believed.  He says, “I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish?  After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you no trying to finish by means of the flesh?” (Galatians 3:2-3)  What is started by God can only be finished by God.  We kid ourselves when we act as though anything other than that is true.  It’s just foolishness.