Bye Bye Appendix

I just got my appendix out yesterday.

I thought that I had the flu on Thursday but by that night I was in a lot of pain. When the pain continued into Friday I called mom and told her I needed to come home. We decided on the ride home that I should go to the ER before going home home. So we went to the Dublin hospital (which is a really nice place.) and they did a CT scan and blood work on me and saw that my appendix were inflamed and my white blood cell count was up. They decided that I needed to get an appendectomy. They did it laproscopically and that means I won't take nearly as long as I would have if I had a normal surgery.

That being said this is making the concert planning a bit more difficult. Most of our stuff is done, but I still need to be able to get some last minute stuff done. oh well. At least I'm starting to feel better, but right now I need to sleep.

Too Big for Me

Today was a day that everything felt too big for me to handle. The concert, my future, my homework, my relationships, my social contact. All of it. Was. Just. Too. Much. I was absolutely overwhelmed. It felt like I was trying to walk through molasses. Not good. It was like I wasn't (and if I'm entirely honest, still am not) comfortable in my own skin. I tried to talk to Kate tonight and it was like that awkward acquaintances kinda conversation. I hated it, so I peaced out quick. And when I went to dinner with Martha I couldn't get out of my own head to really listen to her. I hate it when I'm like that. It's an awful way to treat a friend.

This afternoon I had the closest thing to a panic attack that I've had in a while. The magnitude of what I am trying to do and the impossible-ness of me shaking off this procrastination that plagues my life hit me in the middle of Spanish. I held it in until I got home for like 3 minutes and literally had to talk myself into continuing on with this concert. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. Most days I would say that I really do like being me; today is not one of those days. I would rather be pretty much anyone but me.

God, I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm awkward and insecure and all sorts of things that I don't like. It's yucky and needs to end now!

I'm going to bed. I'm too tired from fighting this all day.

Concert Time Again

Back in the day when I was still a High School-er some friends and I planned a benefit concert for the Invisible Children.



Well, I'm at it again. This time, however, the proceeds are going to either go towards the Red Cross, or Doctors Without Borders. I am also considering Church World Service. The one I am leaning towards most is probably Doctors Without Borders because a) they don't have the "christian" stigma attached to them, and b) they seem to be better stewards of the money that the Red Cross. By that I mean that a higher percent of the donation will go straight to helping Haiti instead of paying someones salary. I love the Red Cross, they are fabulous, but in this case I feel we may want to go with more money helping Haiti. Also, the Doctors Without Borders will stay in the country with very little regard for how dangerous it gets. The Red Cross may need to pull out if the violence gets to be too much.



So, that's what's on my plate right now. I'm shooting to have this on Friday, February 5. I talked to PR about it and emailed Kristen Collier about it. I also have discussed this at length with Kay, Nat, and Mary. They are all on board to help in any way. Kay and Mary are going to design the posters and potentially the shirts (if we get some).



Specifics:



Money:

$2 cover charge

$10 Event T Shirt (?)

Donated food (price depending)



Musical Acts:


Micah Bonsell

William the Accountant (?)


Joey Hendrickson (?)

There is also potential for more acts to be added along the way.

So, yeah. That's just a little peek into the life of me I suppose. These next couple weeks are going to be busy.

Contact

I know this probably sounds odd and maybe even a bit creepy, but have really been craving human touch recently. I don't know why. I just really want some skin to skin contact (not like that pervert). I guess it helps me keep from being numb to everything. I get in these moods where I feel entirely isolated from everyone around me, even people I am really close with. I mean, for most people there has to be at least some form of relationship before you will have any physical contact (handshakes don't count). Feeling their touch reminds me that we are all connected and they do care for me.

Along those lines, I really hate sleeping by myself. It's funny because that's pretty much the only thing I do. When I'm home sometimes Alex and I fall asleep on the couch while watching TV/movies. I love that. I really just want someone to cuddle with here at school. I don't really feel like any of my friends are really into that.

Even something as simple as a shoulder rub would be nice. I mean, I was totally spoiled when I was in Tetelestai way back in the day. It was an odd day if we didn't have a hug line or massage lines. I feel like no one does that here. That kinda became one of the ways I showed friends that I cared for them, but I don't know that anyone is receptive to that here.

I guess I'm just feeling whinny tonight. Now it's time to go to bed... alone... again. :-/

Haiti

I'm feeling that old familiar restlessness stirring up in my soul again. It has been so long since this old friend has paid me a visit that I almost forgot what it feels like.

The disaster in Haiti is absolutely breaking my heart. Add to it the ignorant comments made by Pat Robertson about the earthquake being retribution for the Haitians 'making a pact with the devil' and all I want to do is pack a bag and make my way to the city of Port-au-Prince.

I was joking about this with my housemates while I was making dinner today. I'm not sure the recognized the truth behind what I was saying. People don't understand how hard it is for me to not just up and leave sometimes. There were nights after Katrina and the Tsunami that I litterally cried myself to sleep because I couldn't go help. Not to sound melodramatic, but it litterally feels like my heart is ripping in two.

I am a fixer. I need to do something to fix people's lives that are in turmoil like this. I'm not talking about solving all of their problems, but simple things. Things like getting them fresh water, and reasonably priced food. Even simple first aid. These are things I can help with. However, instead I am staying here. I have a job, classes, and other responsibilities. I wish I wasn't tied down and that I was able to go and do something.

I know that praying is a huge help. We worship a big and powerful God. But it doesn't feel like enough. I feel the need to do more, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to just be some "well-meaning American" I really want to help these people. I want to do something to aleviate some pain from the situation.

I just don't know how...

What the Past Held, and the Future Holds

A realization struck me over break. I have 3 semesters left at Witt. Sure I can go to grad school, but that is not the same. I love my friends so much. I have finally found people who love me and accept me for who I am and don't expect me to be someone I'm not. I really don't want to leave this community. I have been through so much over the last 2.5 years. I know there is more to come and 3 semesters is a long time, but it's still a little overwhelming. There are moments that I will never forget. My favorite moments are:

• Playing hide and seek in Meijer with Katie B., Katie C., and Steve.
• Three trips through the McDonald's drive-thru so we didn't have to pay people back.
• Sitting in the chapel after CWS rehearsal with Kate Longtin talking about everything from boys to ghosts.
• Watching Ghost Hunters with Kate and cooking in her apartment
• Playing Guitar Hero with whoever would play.
• Odd-Hour food dates with Natalie in the CDR booths
• Prime-time prayer meetings on Wednesday nights.
• Girls Bible Study (both freshman and sophomore years)
• Leading a PT Bible Study with Megan
• Discipleship with Ashley
• Midnight t-hos runs with the girls
• Staying up and talking all night with Martha
• Playing ultimate Frisbee in a rain storm with the girls from the 3rd floor.
• Fall Break DC trip with Alyssa, Amanda, and Sarah D.
• Coffee dates with friends.
• Peer Helper training
• When I told Nat and Kay that I got the youth director job and getting tackled in their excitement.
• Building a fort in the living room and falling asleep in their (many times)
• Starting the "Happy Thoughts" wall
• Writing a song in the shower
• Putting the words from the shower to music.
• Watching Lost and having a Lost day
• Star gazing
• Thanksgiving dinner with the girls from 631
• When Grant came to visit
• Learning the Hoedown Throwdown
• Playing Hacky-Sack
• Having a girly movie night
• Communivale

There are more, I'm just tired of trying to think of them all. Overall the last 2.5 years have been fantastic. I love where I am and don't want to leave. However that is not an option. I have to leave, so now it's time to figure out what I'm going to do when I do leave. I know I am going to take a year and do LVC (hopefully in either DC, Chicago or Seattle). After that I'm pretty sure I will go back to school, but I really don't know what for. There are a number of things I could see myself doing and being happy with it.

I could be a pastor. I enjoy sharing what I learn from the Bible with other people and to have the added bonus of having studied it (and will have continued). The problem is that I don't think I will be able to handle the political-ness that comes along with working in a church. Also, I am scared that if I was to work in a church for a long time I would lose the "wildness" that is my faith. I have taken time to refine my faith and how I relate to God, however I am not scared of telling someone they are wrong if they are acting contrary to the character of God. Its like, when you see a lion in the wild you can see a certain fire and wildness in their eyes. But when you see a lion in the zoo that fire has died down and they are much more tame. I don't what to be tamed. I like the wildness of my faith. I think that is an important image. There is a reason they called Jesus the Lion from the tribe of Judah. Jesus wasn't tame, and we are called to be Christ-like. When we become tame we no-longer are acting in line with Jesus.

Another option is for me to be a professor. I love sharing what I know with other people. And I love the college atmosphere. Also, I honestly feel like the best way to help people is to educate them. If this is something I am passionate about then I need to actually do something about it, not just talk about it. A problem is that in order to do that I need to get my PHD and in order to do that I need to get into a PHD program. I don't think I have good enough grades for that.

I could also open a non-profit organization that's whole purpose is to take in kids (read 12 years old through 21 years old) who have nowhere to live and give them the opportunity to change their stars (as William Thatcher puts it). It would be set up in a house where the kids would live (along with my family) and we would function as a whole family unit. The would have chores, and "study tables" and would have privileges that can be taken away if they break a rule. And school would be necessary. Also, they would have to allow us to make them get drug tests done. It would allow them somewhere safe to live and guaranteed food on the table and the chance to not worry about things that get in the way of their studies. Ideally this is what I would love to do, but it doesn't pay well. Hopefully I will have a biological family that will need to be provided for. I suppose my husband would be working and I could work as well, but I don't really know where. I suppose I could open a coffee shop in conjunction with the organizations (tentatively called The Rahab House) and then use the revenue to support my family. Also the older kids could work (for real wages) and learn how to support themselves and eventual family. I don't think I would make the kids go to church, but I would encourage it. I understand not wanting to go, so I wouldn't want to force that on anyone.

By the looks of this analysis it seems like I'm most passionate about the Rahab House, but I don't know if I can do it. I suppose I have some praying to do.

I guess I didn't get the gift of discernment. I need to pray for that as well.

OK, Alex has his pinewood derby tomorrow, so I should get a bit of sleep before I have to leave. I'm back on campus tomorrow night! Can't wait.